


The Gang Of Travelling Music Geeks

by rememberingsunday



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), All Time Low, Bandom, Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: F/M, M/M, Online Friends, Peterick, Rydon, following bands in buses, rydon woooo, van days of fall out boy, yeah idk i wrote this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-28
Updated: 2014-05-31
Packaged: 2018-01-26 21:42:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 23,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1703561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rememberingsunday/pseuds/rememberingsunday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>and like, fuck, the bus is kind of small. They're lucky Fall Out Boy has their own, or else it'd probably be like an orgy every night<br/>not that anyone would really mind, probably.</p><p>(or, the one where there's a lot of friends and a bus)<br/>(or, the one where there's eventual peterick with a lot of weird shit happening inbetween)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi so this is based on me sort of??? except i'm not like this in real life. but my mom was telling me how she followed the grateful dead around in a school bus and got high with all her friends and then this happened

Kate's got to admit, it's not much.

The yellow paint on the bus is peeling, and there's at least four cracks running along the window. The door makes this horrible creaking sound whenever it was opened, and the leather seats were worn down to threads in some places.  
They've removed three rows of seats; Katie had this idea that the bus will be turned into a permanent pillow house. It worked, kind of. All they have is those blankets flight attendants give out on night flies that Kate had shiftily shoved into her backpack and these two duvets they sort of kind of might of stolen from a hotel back in Canada.  
But come on, the guy had it coming. He was a dick.

There's a couple of pillows and Katie has this theory she calls "If The Sheets Were The States" that involves taking a bed item from each legitimate place they stay. Kate kind of likes it; it's a bit rebellious, a bit "I don't really give a fuck" and she likes that.  
Because when it's 3 am and they're running on adrenaline and espresso from a shitty gas station and the highway is stretching out in front of them, they honestly don't give a fuck.

See, here's the story: they fell in love with a band.

And here's the plot twist: they bought a fucking school bus and decided to follow said band.  
Because it's all about the music, man, it's the buzz. The high. It's the feeling of catching some random girl's eye at a show and grinning because they know, both of them, what this means. What it all means. The buzz, the high, the feeling of being intoxicated without having drunk anything at all. It's magical, it's ridiculously amazing. They're addicted.

But it's not just the music either. It's them. The band.

There's Andy, the drummer and fuck, Kate swears she can feel the beat in her spine, in her bones, she's not moving with it; it's moving her.

Then there's Joe; the guitarist. The strings can cause Kate's eyes to water. She can bite her lip and taste blood to that guitar.

Then Pete. He's the bassist. And the way he moves on stage is drug, it's crack, it's pure, unadulterated pleasure. He writes the lyrics; they resound in her head at night. They fit into her thoughts like a jigsaw puzzle. He's like fucking Shakespeare. 

Then finally, finally, there's Patrick. The singer.  
It's just. Wow. The kid has talent. He's only two years older than the twins but jesus. His voice is like. It's like. Clouds and sunshine and rain and piano notes and it's like an angel's.  
See, Fall Out Boy isn't just "a band". It's them, it's part of who they are.

It's not like it's a revolutionary idea, to travel after a band in a school bus. Hell, Kate's mom followed the Grateful Dead. Except in their opinion, Fall Out Boy's better.  
The first month was amazing. It was just them, and after being separated for three years (see, they met over writing and became best friends over writing. The summer of their sixteenth birthday was spent together, and then ended far too fast) it's heaven, it's being able to hug, actual real hugs, it's being able to laugh, together, it's a lot of things.

Then, after the high of being together wore off, it was all about freedom. Because damn, no more rules, no more parents, no more worry. Just them, the highway, and the music.  
It was good. It was the best. It was McDonalds breakfasts and ramen and rice and this super beat up looking hot water heater they use way more than they'd like to admit.  
Then reality kind of set in. It was money and saving and getting odd jobs on the side. Kate took up writing commissions. Then she got to Lonely Planet, which paid by the story. Katie filmed commercials here and there, sometimes mowing lawns and shoveling driveways.  
They were doing okay.  
And most of all?

They were happy.

**

There's these people that drop in and sometimes stay. For a while, it was just them and these two girls they didn't really know. Sure, they interacted. Their names were Perrie and Jade. They'd been dating for two years.  
But mostly, they stuck to themselves. It was nicer that way. They had three years to make up for, after all.

**

"Damn it," Katie swears. "I think I left my hoodie at the gas station."

Kate glances in the rearview mirror at her. She's fidgeting at the duvet they got from the Motel 6 in Everett, Washington. The concert that night was insane.

"Which one?" Kate asks, pressing a little on the gas pedal. They're only in Fort Bragg, and the band's performing in San Francisco that night. 

"The blue one, you know, that I got from the cheesy store in your airport?"

"The Alaska one?"

"Yeah," Katie sighs. "Not a big deal I guess."

Katie's all about the hoodies; 'cause see, Kate is all about hiding. She's in big sweatshirts and hoods pulled over her hair, she's always been shy. What most people don't realize is that Katie's hiding too. Not in the way Kate is; she just sometimes... withdraws within herself. They don't spend every moment together; hell they'd probably drive each other insane. They know when they need their space.

**

It's just hitting 7 o'clock when they pull into the venue. They're both already waiting for it. The music, the songs, the fans. The people.  
Katie's bouncing around, grinning, and Kate can't keep the smile off her face.  
The venue isn't that big. Actually, it's really kind of tiny.  
There's already some people waiting outside.

Fall Out Boy isn't on until 9. Katie and Kate never mind the wait. It always goes by fast.

This time, behind them is Michael and his best friend, Calum. They've been here since Illinois. Calum's got almond shaped brown eyes and dark skin. He's always smiling; Kate's seen enough of him to know that. 

Michael's hair color changes every week, it seems. Right now it's midnight blue. He's always smirking; Kate's caught Katie's eyes on his mouth one too many times to be accidental.  
It's a thing, it's always been a thing, this standing outside concerts talking to the people you see at gas stations and McDonalds and pressed up against you, sweaty and screaming as you shout lyrics on to stage.

It's just, you meet the most amazing people on the road. Especially these people, because they understand. They get it. It's the sparks in Michael's eyes, the red in Calum's cheeks, the smile in Katie's voice. It's in everything. 

"So, Beth broke down."

Kate gasps. Michael's been affectionately calling the old beat up van they travel in "Beth". Frankly, Kate's not that surprised it broke down. She's been kind of expecting it for a while now.  
Still, she feels horrible. 

"What are you gonna do?" Katie asks.

Michael's shoulders slump. "I don't know. I guess go home. We can't afford another vehicle."

"Yeah, " Calum agrees. "We've only saved up gas money, nowhere near enough to buy a car."

They both look kinda like they're going to cry.

"You could stay with us."

Kate wants to reprimand Katie, and say that no, they can't. There's not enough room, and-

But there is enough room, and it's not like they aren't good friends with Michael and Calum. Katie's had a crush on the boy for weeks.  
She doesn't say anything. 

Calum brightens up. "Really?" 

"Well yeah," Katie smiles. "We've got room. As long as you're down with If The Sheets Were The States."  
Kate explains Katie's thing to them and they nod eagerly. 

"I'm down."  
And that is how The Gang Of Traveling Music Geeks is formed.  
**

It's not really that different. Just that they've got two different people on the bus, two guys, and it just kind of... changes things.  
Calum's got this habit of waking up at 8 am and then getting their lazy asses out of bed by 10, with the aid of espresso.  
Michael and Katie are always found curled up in the corner of the permanent pillow fort, snoozing. Kate sprawls across the floor, limbs tangling with Michael's and Katie's and Calum's.  
Michael's got this thing of singing softly to himself as he's driving but as times goes on, she finds she doesn't really mind. 

**

"WHERE IS YOUR BOY TONIGHT, I HOPE HE IS A GENTLEMEN. MAYBE HE WON'T FIND OUT WHAT I KNOW, YOU WERE THE LAST GOOD THING ABOUT THIS PART OF TOWN!"

Patrick's on fire tonight, Kate can feel it creeping along the base of her spine, making a home in her heart. 

Katie, Michael and Calum are pressed against her on all four sides, sweaty and dancing, screaming the words back at the band members. It's fast and hard and intense and god how good it feels. 

Kate spies Katie and Michael kissing sloppily in "Sugar, We're Going Down" and she grins to herself because this, this is what life is about. 

"THANK YOU L.A, I FUCKING LOVE YOU!" Patrick screams into the mic and Kate feels her heart beat quicken more than it already has. She's kind of sustained a crush on the singer since she jumped on the band wagon (she snickers at her pun) six months ago. It's one thing to idolize, it's another to see him sing into a microphone with sweat sticking to his forehead and eyes dark with what Kate likes to call music lust.

The four stumble back to the bus that Michael has taken to affectionately calling "Autumn" after Grand Theft Autumn. 

They stay up till 5 am laying on the permanent blanket fort, giggling and talking and they all fall asleep in a big tangle of limbs and smiles.

**

Life's got a way of working out. Michael and Katie start dating. 

The smiles on both their faces grow to blinding. 

Kate can imagine what it feels like; midnight visits to whatever nearby donut store that looks of good quality, and powder sugar kisses in the aisles, hands gripped sweatily at the concerts.

She wants something like that, but for now throwing French fries at them with Calum and laughing at the look on Michael's face is enough. 

**

It's not like they don't have the chance to meet the band; they do. Pete and Andy are always hanging out with fans, and Joe and Patrick join them. It's kind of like a big party; there's laughing and food and music and it's barely fans, it's more like friends.

They just... haven't taken it.

Kate doesn't know if she could handle it. There'd probably be tears. Like, the good kind. But still. 

And Katie and Michael are fine with going home after concerts, with a brief stop at a grocery store or Taco Bell or wherever so she is too.

**

They take turns driving. 

Michael always sings "Harvest Moon" by Neil Young and it happens enough they all know the lyrics. Katie sometimes sings along with him, sitting shot gun with her feet on the dashboard and hand entwined with his. The way she looks at him when they do this is enough to make Kate's heart ache. In a good way.

Calum is always yelling back to them, stuff like "WHAT EXIT DO I TAKE?" and "CAN WE STOP YET?" It gets kind of annoying sometimes, but at the same it's getting familiar. He always likes to blare Take This To Your Grave and screams along, hitting the steering wheel with every long note. People always glare at him when they're parked, and it never fails to make them all laugh. 

So all in all, the bus does change but in kind of a nice way.

**

Brendon and Ryan start showing up somewhere between San Diego and Tuscan.  
Brendon has big brown eyes and he's all slim and his fingers and limbs taper off into nothing. His eyelashes curl up at the ends and his fringe is always ruffled.

Ryan is stockier but looks a lot like Brendon. He's got blue eyes and some freckles and they are in love. Everyone can tell except for Ryan. 

"Eighteen," Brendon tells them, bouncing around. They've learned he has ADHD. "Ryan's twenty. "

"You youngin," Ryan pokes him playfully. Brendon responds with kissing his cheek. 

The duo is always giggly, always happy. The four in the bus begin to refer to them as Rydon. 

One night, after a show where Pete makes a joke that has the band laughing so hard they cry, Brendon and Ryan fall asleep in the bus with them and then they just kind of don't leave.

**

So now there's four guys on the bus and Brendon and Kate have a sleeping habit of curling around Ryan like octopuses. Kate's pretty sure Ryan is the cutest human being ever. After Patrick, of course. 

Ryan always sighs loudly and shoves them off, muttering "Parasites" but they catch the small smile and know he doesn't mind. 

Ryan is sarcastic in a light way. He makes Brendon roar with laughter at almost every comment, and a light pink blush spreads across his cheeks whenever it happens (which is often). Sometimes they hold hands and when someone asks about it, Ryan always says quickly, "No, no, we were just, uh, lost." Brendon's face falls every time.

Ryan's always dead quiet when he drives, never asking for directions or when to stop. It's sometimes refreshing after Michael's singing and Calum's screaming. He always asks Brendon to sit shotgun, and when everyone's distracted, Kate can see their lips move as they mutter to each other incomprehensibly. This is when the realest smiles cross Ryan's lips. She can only wonder what they talk about. 

Brendon is always talking, talking, talking. He's leaning against Katie's shoulder one second and snuggled against Ryan the next. He's just. Really bouncy.  
He literally cannot sit still for more than a minute. They find that out within the first three days. It's not bad, it's actually kind of cute. Ryan smiles whenever he sees Brendon excitedly open a book just to slam it shut two minutes later and throw himself on top of whoever's closest; which is usually Ryan. 

Brendon drives like a maniac. It's always sharp turns and running red lights and they all fall over each other when he slams on the brakes. He always, always hums anything by Taylor Swift, his fingers tapping out a rhythm on the dashboard. There's someone different every time. Sometimes it's Calum, and the two are constantly laughing and giggling and making bad jokes everyone can't help but laugh at. 

Sometimes it's Kate, and she's the only person Brendon really calms down for, besides Ryan. They talk about a number of things, from star signs to when Brendon was in Europe. It's nice; he's a good person to talk to.

Sometimes it's Katie, and then it's all music and Kentucky, complaining about the state ("Oh my god, there's not even Waffle Houses" or "Have you listened to Mayday Parade?") and self-deprecating humor. 

Sometimes it's Michael. So that's girls. Or at least, pretending there's girls. Everyone else knows Michael can't see anyone but Katie and Brendon is so gone for Ryan, it's ridiculous. 

And finally there's Ryan. And that's. Well. That's special. They're so in love, it gives people hope just to look at them, even if they don't realize. 

Life has really just gotten better since Brendon and Ryan joined the bus, and no one complains. 

**

Arizona is hot and dry, and there's a day where there's no concerts so Kate leads a "let's cut off some of our jeans into shorts" parade and Brendon ends up with shorts far, far too short and they all laugh a little too hard. Everyone pretends not to notice the way Ryan's eyes linger on Brendon's pale thighs.

It's kind of a unspoken rule. Don't mention that Brendon looks at Ryan like he's the universe, don't say anything about how Ryan's always finding a way to touch him, whether it be his hand or his legs or his hair. Don't say anything. They'll figure it out on their own.

**

Sometime around Flagstaff, they crash at a Super 8.

"Oh my god," Michael says. "Are these actual beds?"

They've gotten two rooms. Katie, Michael and Calum stay in one. Kate, Ryan and Brendon stay in the other.

They order pizza in and get drunk. Off alcohol, not music (Fall Out Boy's not playing till tomorrow night. They figure Arizona's like, the break zone).

"Okay, okay," Calum starts, giggling. "Let's play Never Have I Ever."

They all readily agree and Ryan gets the first shots ready. Brendon goes first.

"Never have I ever kissed someone not on the face."

There's kind of a collective shock. It never occurred to Kate he could be a virgin. But of course, sex doesn't have to involve kissing. She wants to ask but doesn't. 

Katie, Michael, Ryan and Calum all drink. Not very surprising. She figured Michael and Katie have had sex. 

"Never have I ever... lost my hoodie." His eyes glitter at Katie teasingly. She hits him and takes a drink. 

The game goes on. Kate was sitting next to Brendon, so naturally she's last. Everyone's considerably drunker than when they started. It's nearing 1 am.

"Never I have ever been in love with someone who loved me back."

It's kind of a sad one, she's gotta admit, but it's true.

Everyone takes a drink. She sighs but smiles ruefully to herself. All in good time, she supposes, all in good time.

**

The next morning they're woken up two hours later than usual. Calum has espresso waiting for them. 

Michael, Ryan, Katie and Calum all walk out with suspicious lumps in their backpacks. 

The "If These Sheets Were The States" theory is continued.

**  
No one's really sure how they didn't realize Ashton and Luke's existence before.

Ashton's got a mop of buttery blonde curls and bright green eyes and dimples and Luke is blonde blonde blonde and blue eyes, a couple of freckles. They're a good looking pair, the two of them.

"We joined the following like, back in L.A," Ashton shrugs. "Kinda kept to ourselves. You guys are too badass for us."

Kate kind of doubts that; the worst thing the worst thing they've ever done is stolen six duvets from a hotel. It could be worse.

Michael voices her thoughts by snickering. "Us? Really?"

"You're scary," Luke says shyly and Kate swears she can see little thumping hearts appear in Calum's eyes when the blonde speaks.

The thing about people on the road is, they're there for the same reason you are. Ashton smiles back at her as they're all linked around each other so as not to lose anyone in the crowd. It's kind of a big group now: Katie, Kate, Michael, Calum, Brendon, Ryan, Ashton, Luke. But that's okay, she wouldn't trade it for the world. 

**

Her and Ashton sort of become best friends. 

You know those people you just kind of... click with? Ashton and her click. They just... fit.

The best part is that it's not even romantic, the best part is that they can cuddle and it's all okay. That's just them.

Ashton loves Blink 182 and cinnamon rolls. He's got like, fifty thousand red sweaters that look exactly the same. His favorite color is blue.  
They follow the bus a lot, the old Toyota with the tent in the back. Luke explains they try to find grass around the venue to camp. Kate reckons it's hard. 'Specially since it's mostly cities.

"SO HUM HALLUEUIAH JUST OFF THE KEY OF REASON, I THOUGHT I LOVED YOU, BUT IT WAS JUST HOW YOU LOOKED IN THE LIGHT…"

"This is my favorite song!" Ashton yells to her. The old coffee shop the band's playing at now is beat up looking but lived in. There's not so many people; just enough to create this kind of sweaty moshing. Kate adores moshing, to be honest. It's so fun, so full of life. 

Patrick catches her eye and smiles at her. She feels her heart drop out of her chest. It doesn't even matter this is the first time ever he's noticed her and she's been here for seven months, it doesn't matter he looked away right away. All that matters is he noticed her. He smiled at her.

She can't keep the grin off her face for the rest of the night.

**

It's 3 am and Kate's lying in Ashton's tent.  
Luke's in the bus; they sort of exchanged places for the night. 

"You know those travel books?" She asks him.

He nods. "Yeah, like guides?"

"Uh-huh. I write for them, sometimes. It's enough for gas and stuff."

He smiles into her arm. They're sprawled over each other, eyes closed. They really should be sleeping. It's a long day of driving tomorrow, from this tiny town in the corner of Arizona to Santa Fe, New Mexico. 

"Do you ever wonder about the big scheme of things?" 

Kate shifts, muttering drowsily, "What do you mean?"

"Like, this trip. The band. What happens when it's all over? Do we go our separate ways?"

Kate grasps his hand. "I'm not ever letting any of you go."

"Then what will we do?"

She yawns. "We get apartments across from each other and work in a coffee shop and fall in love and find new bands and new music and sing and watch sunsets and sunrises and swim and drink too many espressos. We just live, Ash."

He settles back down, closing his eyes again. "Yeah. Yeah okay. I like the sound of that."

She smiles. "Goodnight, Ash."

"G'night, Kate."

**

So then somehow Ashton and Luke are throwing out their tent and now Luke and Calum have taken up the other corner of the bus as their make out zone and Ashton joins Kate in her sprawling of the entire floor.

The Group Of Traveling Music Geeks increases.  
**  
Now there's actually not much room.

None of them mind.

Brendon has nightmares; Kate is up late enough to hear him whimper, hear Ryan wake him up, hear Brendon squeak "Ryan," helplessly and it makes her sad, because how can the older boy not see? 

Maybe it's hard. They're all kind of in love with each other, see, with life. So maybe Ryan's just confused. So's Kate, to be honest, because Ashton likes her and all she can see is the boy on stage, the boy lost in a voice, the boy with strawberry blond hair and green blue eyes. It's pretty lame of her, to be too in love with a band member to neglect someone else. Because Ashton is wonderful, Ashton's her best friend. 

But Fall Out Boy isn't just a band, and Patrick's not just a singer.

**

They all come from different places, but they all left for the same reason.

Katie's mother told her she wasn't worth anything, because her first relationship was with a girl. It caused a kind of anger, a kind of sad fury that she can see in her best friend's eyes at concerts. That's when the real emotions start to show. 

Kate's mother was always screaming, always making subtle digs at her daughter and hasty apologies, like saying sorry would make up for the fact that she called her own kid fat. 

Michael's dad was blood, all blood, and they can see the scars he left on the boy, both physical and not. "S'over now," Michael always muttered but you don't get over things like that.

Calum has lived in the streets since he was sixteen, after his parents overdosed on coke and he couldn't deal with it anymore. He always flinches when someone mentions drugs, always flinches when someone gets a little too close.

Brendon had to watch his father force himself on his mother one night when he drank too much and it comes back late at night. Kate knows what he sees, he whispered it to her once as the last notes of "Sophomore Slump or Comeback of The Year" rang through the bar. "I see Ryan instead of her."

Ryan lived with his older brother, and his new girlfriend was always smirking at him, always a cut here, a cut there. It's so fucked up, so fucked up that Kate can barely think about it, can barely breathe.

Ashton's dad was alcoholic, coming home drunk, screaming and screaming at his family, his little six year old sister. Eventually he hit Ash and he kissed his sister goodbye, left her with her aunt and got the hell out.

And then Luke, shy Luke. His aunt was always smiling, always "Wait till your mother leaves, shh don't tell anyone" and he explained, shoulders shaking with sobs, how she touched him. 

They're all there because the one place that was supposed to be home just wasn't, anymore.

But that's kind of okay now, because maybe home isn't a place, maybe home is how Calum wakes them up because they all want to get to the venue on time, maybe home is in the smile Luke wears when he's with them, maybe home home isn't a place, maybe home is these people.

**

Ashton always falls asleep on his side. Depending on who's had the most exhausting day, someone usually ends up curled up against him. He's a protector, Ashton is. He's always shifting slightly around people, acting like a shield. He puts everyone before him.  
Everyone knows that Ashton's pretty much in love with Kate and everyone pretends not to know. It's sort of sad, the way he looks at her. It's sort of sad the way Kate's eyes light up at concerts. She fell in love with a singer, a singer who doesn't even know her name.  
Ashton also eats like a horse. He's constantly eating. Kate's not quite sure how he's still so small, so thin. It's completely unfair. He's always bright and happy, in a way different than Brendon. It's more of an always burning joy. He's kind of like the sun, Ashton. You're always warm when he's around.

Luke is quiet, he's shy. Calum and him are always touching, a linked pinkie here, running his hands through Luke's stickuppy hair. This incredibly big goofy smile spreads across his face when Calum does something for him, and he's always talking quietly, curled up in the corner with his Calum. Because Calum is so obviously his, so completely Luke's. He'd walk to the end of the world if he asked him to, he'd do anything for him.  
When Luke drives, it's always Ashton next to him. They talk about a lot of things; Kate isn't sure what, but she knows they've known each other since they were like, six. So she expects it's stuff no one else on the bus really knows. Luke drives very carefully, and slowly; they don't usually mind unless they're in a hurry. Then they kick Luke off and let Brendon take over.

Ashton talks to everyone while he drives. Kate's seen him and Brendon hold whole conversations from opposite ends of the bus. It's kind of ridiculous and kind of nice. Because the bus is never quiet, anyways, and Ashton has kind of a comforting voice.  
He drives sharply. That's really the only word for it. Sharp turns and sharp braking and sharp stops. It's like the opposite of who Ashton actually is, which is all soft. He's just gentle. No one can not love Ashton.

**

Kate ends up really loving Albuquerque.  
"It's so beautiful," she smiles, staring off at the red sunsets and purple desert hills. The city is sprinkled with light underneath. 

"Yeah," Katie agrees, leaning into her non biological twin. "It really is."

They grin at each other. 

At the concert that night, Patrick comes out to speak to them.

"Hi guys. So like. I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you so much, all of you, for coming. And special thanks to those who've been here all along. You know who you are, and I fucking love you, you beautiful people."

Kate feels bubbly. He just said he loved her, her, them. The group. Her group.

She feels kind of drunk and really, really happy. Ashton's smiling at her sadly because he knows how she's feeling, in a way. And it hurts him but maybe that's okay, if it means that smile crosses her face more.

It's kind of a personal hell, watching the person he loves, love someone else. It's just. Wow. It hurts kind of a lot, but it's this weird kind of hurt he can get pleasure from, become he likes loving her. There's no one else he'd rather love than her. There's no one else for him but her. It's always her. Just like Ryan will always do that thing with Brendon, where he wraps his arm around the younger boy's waist and Brendon leans into it. Or how Michael always sleeps by Katie, no matter what, or how Calum and Luke hold hands constantly.

There's nobody else he loves more than her, right now, and he wouldn't change it if he could.

**

"Whoa whoa whoa," Brendon flops between the driver and passenger seat. "Are you saying that we're at fucking Port Isabel and we're not going to the beach?”  
Luke's driving, and Ashton is next to him.

"I don't like sand," Luke tells him, his nose crinkling.

"I don't like you,” Brendon huffs, spinning around. "Ryaaaan, they won't go to the beach!"

He pouts. Luke groans, because everyone on the bus pretty much knows once Brendon pouts at Ryan, it's all over.

"Guys," Ryan begins. "He is right. We should go."

"I second that!" Katie calls. 

There's never much to do while driving. They're not supposed to move around (except they totally do. Kate is really kind of surprised they've only gotten pulled over once). It's always loud. Whoever is driving is blaring music, Brendon is talking animatedly to Kate about zoos, Michael and Katie are sleeping and Michael snores horribly. Ryan and Ashton are playing Hungry Hungry Hippos, which is practically ear drum bursting loud and Calum is singing, always. 

There's barely ever a quiet moment on the bus. They usually don't mind.

**

The beach is. Well. A beach.

"Ew, sand," Luke mutters. 

Of course, the only two who remembered to bring swimsuits is Brendon and Kate. A surprising discovery she's made is that Brendon is a planner. He's always scribbling down on notepads and talking to her about what they're going to do. 

After a long trek back to the bus, they're finally pretty much ready.

The ocean is cold.

Like, really cold.

"Fuck this shit," Katie says. 

Michael drags her into the surely arctic waters. She squeaks and pushes against him. His hair is dark green now and it kind of reminds Kate of trees.  
Kate wades carefully into the water. She'll take it slow then move up to her waist and her shoulders.

All her planning flies out the window when Brendon tackles her into the water.

She gasps as salt water gets into her mouth and wow, that does not taste pleasant. 

"TAG!" He yells happily, bouncing away to where Ryan is looking slightly in pain. 

Now that she's fully wet, there's really no point so she drops into the water, letting the waves push her back and forth.

Calum, Ashton and Luke are already way out. She can hear them yelling "WOOHOO!" and "FUCK CAL, THAT WAVE'S GONNA BREAK ON YOU!" and it makes her smile .  
The ocean's got this way of sending a huge wave that knocks her over nearly every time and then a soft wave directly after, like its saying sorry. It reminds her that this is a huge body of water that could kill her if it wanted to.

But then again, the most dangerous things are always the most beautiful. 

***

The rest of Texas is gorgeous. 

Katie and Michael have this idea of kissing on every view point, so travel is slow. The beach is salty and sandy and Luke moans about it a lot. 

Patrick's been sick for three days, so concerts are cancelled. Kate didn't realize how much she relied on the high until she couldn't have it for a while. 

Houston is where it happens.

Kate's just in this general store they've stopped at to fill up the Snickers supply. It's a cute store and the candy's only sixty nine cents, so it's pretty good to her.

"Heyyy! I've seen you around!"

Freezing, she slowly turns around.

Pete Wentz is standing in front of her, grinning. He looks different not on stage. Cleaner, not so sweaty. Neater.

"Hi..?" It comes out as a question. 

His smile doesn't falter. "You're at every show."

She nods. "Yeah. I am."

"With the pink one and Curly."

"Huh?"

Pete shakes his head. "Sorry, the guys and I have these nicknames for you guys, since we don't actually know your names."  
Kate wants to ask what her nickname is but she doesn't want to seem conceited. 

Maybe Pete can tell, because he smirks. "You're Freckle. Courtesy of Patrick. Think the boy's got s bit of a crush on you, poor thing. Since you're dating Butterscotch and all-"

"Whoa," Kate cuts in. She isn't sure who Butterscotch is (though she's pretty sure it's Ashton) but she's definitely not dating anyone. "I'm not dating anyone."

Pete frowns. "Oh. Damn it. I was sure we had it. Curly and the Pink One are dating, right?"

She can only assume Curly is Katie, and the Pink One is Michael, due to his current hair color of bright bubblegum pink. She wonders if they change his name up every time his hair changes.

"Yeah, they are. S'been two months now."

He grins happily. "Awesome! Tell them congratulations from me!"

"Mmkay," Kate agrees. Pete's very nice. He's attractive too; she already knew that, of course, but it's new to see the guy without his bass.  
Then what he said before catches up with her.

"Wait, what? Patrick-"

"Likes you, I'm pretty sure," Pete supplies. "Like I can't be certain, Pat's always irritatingly cryptic when it comes to vastly important matters like this, but yes.”

Kate feels dizzy.  
Like, a good kind of dizzy. A very good kind of dizzy.

"Oh," she says intelligently. 

Pete laughs at her. "Yeah. Listen," the bass player glances behind him. "Gotta run, I was just picking up soup for Patty. Hey, what's your name by the way?"

"Kate," she tells him.

"Awesome," he grins. "See you at the concert."

He waves goodbye and Kate almost falls over as soon as he's out of earshot.

Because. Well. Fuck. Patrick likes her?

Not that he can really like her yet, he doesn't know her at all. What did Pete say? A crush? 

This all feels like it's going to fast but in a really nice way.

She takes a deep breath and goes back to the bus.  
Brendon is on top of her right away, shrieking "KATE'S BACK KATE'S BACK!" in her ear. Ryan's shaking his head at the younger boy and Ashton is grinning at her. Katie is sleeping on top of Michael, who's playing on his GameBoy. Calum and Luke are playing a game of mobile Monopoly in the corner and they both smile at her as she comes in.

"So," she begins, wrapping her arm around Brendon's tiny waist. "Guess who I ran into?"

"Taylor Swift?" Ashton asks, grinning.

"Brendon, smack him."

Brendon obeys and Ashton whimpers, glaring at her and rubbing his arm. "Ow!" 

"Don't look at me, it's Bren who packed the punch!”

Ashton rolls his eyes.

Brendon's bouncing around while still managing to keep Kate in his arms. "Who did you run into?"

She pauses dramatically. "Pete Wentz."

There's kind of a silence.

"Whoa," Ryan speaks up. "Really?"

"Yeah, he was buying soup for Patrick."

"Shit," Michael looks up from his device. "Is he just as beautiful in person?"

Katie grunts and whacks him, muttering "You're taken," before falling back on top of him.

"No homo," Michael reassures her. 

"He is," Kate declares, dropping down on the bus floor. It's going to be her turn to drive, but she has a story to tell. "Apparently they have nicknames for us since they don't know our real names."

"What's mine!?" Ashton demands, looking anxious.

"M'pretty sure it's Butterscotch. Michael is Pink One, and Katie is curly. I guess I'm Freckle. I don't know any of yours."

"I bet Ryan's is stone henge," Brendon shrugs, picking at a duvet.

"What?" Ryan asks blankly. "Why in hell would I be "stone henge"?"

"Because you're quiet and stoic, like a rock," Brendon explains. "And mysterious and old, like Stone Henge."

"Who you calling old?" Ryan demands but his lips are curved upwards.

"Be careful, you'll crack your old, brittle hip,” Brendon teases.

Ryan lunges at him and they begin some sort of weird wrestling match that Kate is almost certain is a sort of mating call.

She rolls her eyes and goes to the front of the bus, turning the key. "Ready for dispatch!"

**

"So," Ashton clambers to the front of the bus, jumping into the passenger seat. "There's something you're not telling us."

"Whaaat?" Kate asks innocently. 

"Oh shut up, you've been look all pink and giggly since you got back in here. Now what's up?"

She sighs. "Okay okay. Well. Pete said that Patrick has a, like, crush. On me. Which I don't think is really possible but..."

Ashton works pretty hard to paste the smile back on his face. "But Kat, this is wonderful. "

She beams. "I'm happy."

"I'm glad," Ashton's voice is soft and she picks up on the undercurrent in it.

"Ash," she begins. 

He holds up his hand, shaking his head. "No, Kat. It's okay. I understand."

Because he does, he definitely does. He just doesn't like it. But Kate is his best friend and if she's happy, then so is he.

"So what next?" He asks, propping his feet on the dashboard. Everyone's sleeping, since it's nearing 1 am. Even they need down time sometimes. 

"I don't know," Kate admits, pulling to a stop at a red light. "I guess we'll see."


	2. chapter two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which more stuff happens and kate meets patrick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah bear with me through this, i swear there's peterick  
> it gets better okay

"So this is a new song I've been working on!" Patrick grins into the mic.  Kate's heart is beating that familiar pattern it does whenever she's at concerts. "It's called "Alone Together" and yeah, here we go!"

No one's singing this time, they're all just listening as the song is played so loudly Kate swears the building is shaking.

It's. Well. It's really good. The lyrics are already staining her thoughts. Pete's really outdid himself this time.

"Oh and by the way," Pete grins into the speaker. "Pat wrote this one."

The surprise is immediate; Michael looks proud, Katie's smiling.  Ashton's eyes are closed, his body swaying.  Luke is humming and his eyes are sparkling.  Calum's cheeks are flushed.

Brendon is throwing his hands up in the air, yelling, and Ryan just looks entranced.

There's sweat along her spine and she ties her hair up.

The thing about concerts, see, is that everything is new and old at the same time. They can hear the same song over and over each night and yet it's still magical as Joe pounds the drums and Pete does the bass, as Joe hits the guitar and Patrick screams the words. It's just. Oh god, this band. _This band._   Sometimes she swears they're the air in her lungs.

This time, Patrick smiles at her, then makes this gesture she can only assume to mean " _backstage?"_

"Oh my god," Brendon immediately attaches himself to her side. "Can I come? Please?"

She glances around for Ashton but he's gone.

"Of course," Kate agrees. He takes her hand.

They're five feet away from the door when it hits her.

"I  can't do this," she hyperventilates, clutching onto Brendon. "Brendon,  I can't do this. Oh god oh god."

"Babe," Brendon grabs her shoulders.  "Calm yourself. You'll be fine."

"No I won't! I've had a ridiculous crush on him for like two years and-"

"Shh, Kate, you'll be okay.  He's just a guy. He's just Patrick."

"Just Patrick," Kate repeats.

"That's me!"  A bright voice says from behind them.

She freezes. "Is-"

"Yep,” Brendon says, staring over her shoulder.

_Oh god._

She turns.

And fuck, he's even prettier off stage. His hair that Kate normally only sees plastered to his forehead with sweat is all fluffy and sticking up off his head. His glasses are perched on his nose, and his eyes, the color of them this dark green blue focused on her. His eyelashes brush his cheekbone with every blink, and he just looks soft. Cuddly. Happy. His hair is strawberry blonde, and she doesn't want to be a romantic here but it reminds her of the color of the sunrays during sunset.

He's almost perfect, except for this tiny bump on his nose, and how his lips look dry (but oh god, his lips. Well. They're very soft looking and kind of sinful and just nope) and the bruise he's got on one arm and there's just these tiny imperfections that make him somehow even more perfect.

"This is Kate," Brendon announces.

"Kate," Patrick says slowly, like he's tasting the way it sounds in his mouth. "M'Patrick."

"I know."

 _Very nice,_ she thinks. _Just a little creepy._

He laughs.  "Of course you do. You've been here since, like, Ohio haven't you?"

She nods, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "Lima."

"Man, Lima was nasty."

"Agreed," she nods. "The bar was pretty sketchy."

"All those people hanging around shiftily- three people tried to seduce me."

"No wonder," she snorts. Brendon snickers and she wants to cringe.  Why does she do this?

But Patrick just giggles and he's actually really easy to talk to. Huh. It’s not like she wasn’t expecting him to be, or anything but.

Brendon is smirking at her and he slowly edges away and Kate finds that she doesn’t mind.

**

“Where were you?”

This is the first question that’s thrown at her when she gets back to Autumn.

Michael is sitting on the floor, away from Katie and Kate instantly realizes something is wrong with him. It’s not like they’re attached all the time- well, actually, they are. So it’s kind of strange he’s on the opposite side of the bus.   
Another warning sign is that Calum is sleeping and Luke is not. The blonde boy is listening to music and he looks confused. Katie looks sort of hurt and the whole dynamic is off.

“With Patrick,” Brendon supplies when she doesn’t respond.

“For three hours?” Ashton asks slowly, and she can’t look at him, can’t see the look she knows he’s sporting.

“Yeah, we got some dinner,” she says quietly. It was fun; he gave her his coat, even though he was shivering, and they had spent probably too long talking about the details of waffle fries. He smiled a lot. It made her happy.

“Oh,” Ashton sinks down against the side of the bus. “Okay.”

Ryan is looking at him sadly and Brendon is fiddling with his fingers, an expression of anxiety on his face. This is the first time they can’t really ignore all the feelings involved in this. Because everyone knew that Kate had been crushing on Patrick for almost two years, and everyone knew Ashton was in love with her.

They’re all kind of fucked, really.

Luke’s hands are shaking and there’s just this feeling of suspense on the bus, something she’s never felt before. Something is seriously wrong and it’s more than the whole Ashton thing; it’s something else.

Kate just can’t figure out what it is.

**

They tell them the next day.

It’s sunny out and Ryan is driving. Brendon is next to him, combing his hair in the side mirror.

“We’re going home.”

Everything freezes.

Brendon’s hands fall into his lap, Ryan slams on the brakes, Ashton just looks shocked, and Luke. Well. Luke looks shattered, in a way Kate’s never seen before. The only one who looks more devastated is Katie.

It’s just, they all knew it was going to end sometime. Because good things can’t last forever, and this is the best thing any of them have ever been a part of. They knew eventually Fall Out Boy would stop touring, or they’d run out of money, or the bus would break. Something would happen, and this little misfit family would get torn apart.

They just didn’t know it would be so _soon._

Michael clears his throat. He’s looking down, running hands through his current powder blue hair. “We’ve got to go home. Like, soon. Because there’s things to do and just- _fuck.”_ He looks up. “I feel like I’m running and it’s not like this hasn’t be good because it has. I love you all so much,” his gaze lingers on Katie. “But this is just… we’re all running and someday it’s all going to catch up to us, you know? Someday Brendon is going to get tired of waiting for Ryan, and Ashton won’t be able to take that Kate loves someone else anymore, and I can’t be here when it all crashes. I’d rather end it with good terms.”

Calum is standing next him. His eyes are cloudy but he’s nodding, agreeing with Michael.

“And the bus and the concerts have been amazing, and I don’t want it to end but it has to.”

Luke is crying now, and Kate moves to hug him, wrapping her arm around his shaking shoulders. Calum looks in pain, he can’t look at him.

“There’s a bus from Waco. We’ve already bought tickets.”

Waco is the next stop; Kate can tell by the sudden tightness in his shoulders.

She doesn’t know what to feel, because Calum and Michael were the first, they were the first people to join them on this crazy thing they’re doing, and they’re her best friends and brothers and honestly, she isn’t sure what she’s going to do without Michael’s vibrant hair colors and constant swearing and Calum’s yelling. It won’t be the same.

**

They don’t kiss goodbye.

Luke is still crying when he hugs Calum, who isn’t crying but looks like he might, soon. Katie looks scarily calm. Kate knows that’s a very bad sign, because she’s not calm. The dam is going to break soon.  Michael is biting his lip, and his emotions look like they’re all over the place.

Kate hugs them next, squeezing them both tightly and closing her eyes. “I’m gonna miss you, you fuckers.”

Michael laughs. “We’ll miss you too, Kat.”

She releases them as Ashton comes up.

When the Greyhound bus roars out of the station, she’s pretty sure they all feel like they just lost a piece of themselves.

**

The bus is so different.

It’s no longer happy. Luke climbs into Ashton’s lap crying, and Katie doesn’t sleep. Kate can’t imagine what it’s like to have someone next to you all the time and then they’re just. Gone.

At least some good came from it; Brendon and Ryan have a “serious talk” and she’s pretty sure they’re all thinking _finally_. They come out hand in hand and Kate kind of wishes it didn’t take Michael and Calum’s departure for them to finally come to their senses.

They have to force Katie to eat, and probably most people would think it’s weird of them to be so sad, since Calum and Luke and Katie and Michael were only together for two and a half months, but relationships shouldn’t be measured in time. Because Kate knows they were in love, so very much.

There’s a gaping hole where Michael used to sing Harvest Moon and Katie’s lips move sometimes, mouthing the lyrics. Calum’s shouting is devoid of any sound, and every time they realize there’s no one to drive between Ashton and Katie, it aches just a little bit more.

It’s the first concert after they left, and when Patrick sings “Grand Theft Autumn” Katie finally cries. She hasn’t shed one tear since they left, three days ago, but now it’s finally there.

She doesn’t stop crying for hours, and Ashton takes her back to the bus, even though Kate offered to.

After the show, Patrick corners her. “Where did they go?”

And she really loves he knows immediately what happened. She supposes he noticed the lack of them in the crowd.

“They said they needed to stop running,” she tells him.

He looks confused for a moment and then his face clears. “Oh. Oh…”

“Yeah.”

He hugs her and it probably goes on longer than it should but then Kate finally lets herself cry. She doesn’t feel like she really has a right to, not as much as Luke and Katie do but fuck. She misses them.

Patrick rubs her back and holds her tighter and whispers, “I know,” in her ear and she just sobs, losing track of how much time has passed.

When she finally stops, his shirt is soaked.

“Sorry,” she mumbles, looking away.

He shakes his head. “It’s fine. Are you okay?”

And yeah, she used to be, but now Michael and Calum are _gone_ and she isn’t sure if she’ll ever be okay again, right now.

“No,” she replies truthfully.

He takes her hand and they start back to the bus (named Autumn, Kate thinks with a pang. Michael named it).

“Were you guys close?”

She sighs. “That’s kind of it. I wasn’t best friends with Michael or Calum, not like Katie and I or Ashton, but we were all best friends. We were all close, you know? And I just… I miss them. It’s not the same.”

“I get it. I don’t know what it’d be like if one of the guys left. I mean… shit, I didn’t mean to talk about myself. I was just trying to say I understand, uh...”

She smiles. “It’s fine, ‘Trick.”

He laughs. “Trick?”

Sue turns bright pink. “I mean, Pete already calls you Pat and like… I don’t know..”

“I like it,” he tells her, a slight blush tinting his cheeks.

They’re quiet as they get to the yellow bus.

“Well, here we are,” Patrick turns to her. “I’ll see you later, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Kate agrees. “Thank you.”

“Of course. If you ever need to… like… talk or whatever, I’m here okay?” He’s looking at her to earnestly and she feels her throat tighten.

“Okay.”

He hugs her again and then she opens the bus door.

Katie’s sleeping next to Ashton, and Ashton is curled around her protectively. Because that’s who Ashton is, he’s the protector. Luke is between Brendon and Ryan, snoring softly and right then, Kate thinks that maybe they could be okay.

**

The bus returns to it’s normal state.

Brendon goes back to chattering happily, and bouncing around like a bunny. He snuggles Luke and Katie and Ashton and Kate, and kisses Ryan, who blushes whenever this happens (which is often). He laughs a lot and tells bad jokes and is just generally Brendon.

Ryan goes back to being his usual stoic, sarcastic self, and makes Brendon laugh so hard he snorts Arizona tea through his nose. He does these little things that makes Kate’s heart warm, like always remembering Brendon’s favorite coffee, and knowing what sweater is Luke’s favorite. He just notices the little things, Ryan does.

Ashton continues being positive and bright, and he’s always, always with Katie or Luke nowadays. He alternates sleeping between the two every night, and says stupid things that make them crack a smile. He always buys their favorite candy at general stores, and he glares at anyone who gets too close. He’s full on protective Ashton, his first course of action is making sure they’re okay.

Luke is… well. Luke is Luke, only sadder. He doesn’t do the cute giggle he used to anymore, and laughs a little less. Kate catches him staring out the window with the saddest look on his face she’s ever seen, and he mutters Calum’s name in his sleep. She supposes that Calum was his sun, and now everything’s dark. But when he does laugh, it’s happy, and he still smiles at everyone. He’s still Luke and she’s holding on to the thread of hope he’ll be okay.

Katie is the worst. She only sleeps when Ashton is next to her, and she takes to wearing too big hoodies again. She’s back to hiding; when Michael was around she let herself be seen, more than ever before. When they’re almost out of Texas, she sees someone with powder blue hair and bursts into tears. But sometimes, Ashton can make her smile and sometimes, she looks happy. Kate supposes if she lets herself think, she remembers Michael. So it kind of becomes her purpose, to keep Katie not thinking.

If The Sheets Were The States has never been more useful than now. They’re always lying down. Luke and Katie take a break from driving, and since Ashton is always antsy on the wheel and glancing behind him, they make him take a break too. So now it’s just Kate, Brendon and Ryan and it’s definitely longer shifts.

Concerts are the only time when everything feels normal. Katie laughs and Luke sings and Ashton is grinning wildly. Brendon and Ryan are leaning into each other, shouting, and Patrick always catches her eye from stage and smiles.

She knows this is probably a bad time to be thinking of such things, but Patrick is really cute, and small, and cuddly and he’s just really nice to talk to.

It’s become a thing; after every concert, they go to whatever restaurant is closest and eat food and talk about music, or friends, or driving or Pete or whatever.  Whatever they do talk about, even if it’s just about the logistics of tour, she always likes it. Maybe it’s the way Patrick’s eyes light up when he’s talking about something that interests him, or how he runs his hand through his hair when he’s worried, or how he rubs his neck when he’s embarrassed, or the pink blush that stains his cheeks.

He air drums; when they’re waiting for a table or ordering at McDonalds, his palms are hitting open air. He has a habit of curling his fingers into his sleeves, which is just really adorable.

He always talks about time.

“I mean, if you think about it,” he had started one night when they were at a local place creatively called ‘Food’. “So much can happen in three minutes, or even two. You can go two miles on the road, or thirty on a plane. Someone can get killed, someone can get married, a baby could be born. You could meet the love of your life. It’s like, blink, you’re dead, or blink, you’re married.”

She nodded, not wanting to derail the conversation. Patrick had the light in his eyes.

“I just think it’s amazing how many things can happen, and how fast, and how amazing they can be.” His eyes met hers and he blushed.

Now, it’s a couple of minutes after the concert ended and Pete told Patrick he’d take care of packing up.

“So, there’s a real nice looking place right there,” Patrick tells Kate as they drive down the road. He nods to a McDonalds. “Then there’s some weird place with tacos. But we just had tacos, so…”

This is true; for some reason, Del Taco was the only place around last night.

“McDonalds it is,” she agrees.

They sit in the back corner, feet kind of resting on top of each other as they eat cheeseburgers and French fries. Kate’s currently telling him about her mother.

“She,” she pauses to think up words. “I don’t know. She just had this habit of injecting snarky things into the conversation when she was angry and even when she wasn’t. She always said things like “do you really need to eat that?” and stopping me from eating. And that was even worse than her just out right telling me I was fat.”

Patrick is staring at her, looking angry. “You’re not fat.”

She laughs. “Yeah, well, I’ve lost a lot of weight since then.”

“But you weren’t, even then. I kind of stalked your Facebook.” He blushes but keeps on. “And like. You weren’t.”

She shrugs. “Alright. I’ll believe you, I suppose, I guess.”

Then he takes her hand and she swears she can feel sparks race up her arm, just like in romance novels.

They walk back to the venue, where the Fall Out Boy trailer is parked, and somewhere behind the building is the big yellow school bus she calls home.

“So goodnight, I guess,” Patrick tells her. The orange of the streetlight is pooling in the parking lot, and a square of light is glowing inside the camper where he sleeps.

He’s standing closer to her than usual, and then he leans forward and whispers, “ _Blink.”_

When her eyes open again, his lips are on hers.

**

When she gets inside, Ryan is the only one awake.

“Hi,” he says, shooting a small smile at her.

“Hey,” she grins.

He’s quiet for a moment. “So… are you guys together?”

“Uh,” she blushes red and looks down. “I don’t know.”

He nods.

“What about you and Brendon?”

Now it’s his turn to blush, and he shrugs. “I don’t know either.”

She’s quiet for a moment. “He really loves you, you know.”

“I know. I love him.”

“Good. We don’t need another split up.”

He glances at her. “I don’t think I would ever be able to leave him.” Kate can see the fondness for the boy with swoopy brown hair and big brown eyes and long eyelashes with limbs that taper off into nothing shining in his eyes. “Even when this is all over. I would take him with me, wherever I went.”

He realizes what he said a second later and turns red. “Don’t tell anyone I said that.”

She smiles at him. “I wouldn’t. Though you might want to tell him that. Reassurance is always nice.”

Sometimes, Kate gets a feeling Ryan is special. Like he should be doing more with his life than following a small rock band around America, like maybe there’s more to him than eating too many donuts at 6 am because they haven’t gone to bed yet and getting drunk when they should be sleeping. Like maybe, Ryan is just… better, than a lot of people. Like if he left, he’d be okay.

But then the thought is expelled from her head when he smiles at Brendon, or gets Katie her favorite kind of cereal every time, or can tell when Ashton is tired. He loves them, she knows. It just feels like he could love better people.

She doesn’t mean to voice the thought out loud but she supposes she did because Ryan is looking at her with this strange look in his eyes.

“Do you really think that sometimes?” His brown eyes look penetrating.

She bites her lip, looking down. “It’s not like you act like it, or anything, you’re like the most modest person I know.”

He’s quiet for a tiny bit. “Kate, I could never know better people than you. Sometimes, I think I should be doing things with my life, like going to college or _fuck,_ even just getting a real job. But then I see things like when Michael gave his jacket to a homeless man, even though he didn’t have another one and was low on money, or Ashton just fucking look at you and not do anything about it, because he loves you and just wants you to be happy, or Katie giving the little boy in a park a BandAid because he fell and his mom was on the phone, or Luke putting twenty bucks in the woman who was playing saxophone’s hat, or when you made us pull over because there was someone sitting on the bridge looking sad, and they were going to jump off but you stopped them, you made them decide _to stay alive,_ or when Calum bought a teenage boy a new skateboard because some asshole backed over it or just Brendon himself, because I’ve seen him tackle a girl who was going to get hit by a car. Sometimes, I think I should move on, find myself someone to spend forever with and get married and just _grow the fuck up_ but you know what? I don’t want to do that, because most people only find one person to spend forever with but I’ve found you guys and there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t wonder how I deserved all of you beautiful, selfless, amazing people.”

Kate’s actually kind of crying and wow, that was the longest thing she’s ever heard Ryan speak, and she leans forward and hugs him so hard he whimpers a little bit.

“I love you, Ry.”

“I love you too, Kat and I hope you know I’m betting on forever.”

She laughs, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand and links her pinkie with his. “Always.”

**

Nate shows up in Louisiana.

There’s always something kind of sad about people here alone. Kate can only picture what it’s like; Ramen alone at 2 am, sleeping without any disturbances, no one to eat all the donuts…

Well, maybe it’s not that bad.

But Nate isn’t… happy. He just looks sad and worn down, like he can barely strain to live anymore. He only looks alive during concerts, and then he’s full of passion, his face pink and his hands clenched into fists.

He’s not bad looking, either; bright blue eyes and a ski slope nose, brown hair that’s ridiculously fluffy and blonde streaks that run through it. His skin is incredibly clear and he looks wiry. He’s always wearing suspenders and cuffed jeans and his voice is amazing. His singing voice, that is, though his talking voice is kind of pretty, too.

He talks about his friends Jack and Andrew a lot, and he eats lunch with them sometimes (them as in the bus gang, not Jack and Andrew).

“They live in New York, see,” he’s telling them, actually looking animated. “And I’m gonna get to see them when we get there.”

There’s this sort of sad hopefulness about Nate Ruess that makes it hard to look at him.

Everyone pretends not to notice when Katie starts spending more time with him and Kate’s pretty sure everyone is happy for her. She’s been better lately but never the same as before. Maybe Nate will make her happy again.

Nate  is always scribbling down words onto napkins and toilet paper, insisting that he’ll forget it if he doesn’t. His lyrics start to include curly hair and brown eyes, his lyrics start to include Katie.

No one is really sure how, but he ends up sleeping in the bus and then he’s just kind of living there, and he makes it feel lighter, since he literally giggles at every single joke someone tells, no matter how stupid and he laughs a lot. He’s also exceedingly sarcastic and him and Ryan get into these long conversations of insults and veiled humor that’s really entertaining to watch. Him and Brendon get on famously; Brendon picks the guy up constantly, carrying him around and pinching his cheeks. Nate doesn’t seem to mind at all. Katie and him sleep all stretched out across each other and everybody kind of smiles when they see it, because she’s sleeping again and maybe if they work hard enough, they can get Nate to be happy.

Nate drives like a maniac and he always looks intensely concentrated when he does it; brows furrowed, lips pursed. He always looks up and this sort of… special breaks out across his face when he sees Katie.  She smiles too, but it’s not quite the same as it was before. Kate wonders if Nate knows, knows about Michael.

It turns out he does; after a concert and it’s just her and Nate, and everyone else is out getting food.

“She really loved him, didn’t she?” Nate doesn’t voice any names, but Kate knows who he’s talking about.

“Yeah,” Kate sighs. “She did.”

He rolls over, looking up at her with big blue eyes. “I know she did, and probably still does, and stuff, but like… I want to… I want to…”

She nods. “I know.”

He fidgets, looking down. “What do you think of this?”

Kate thinks for a moment. “I think that I don’t want either of you to get hurt. And that.. you’ve got be careful here, Nate, because she’s fragile and she’s still in love with Michael, and I think that’ll be something you’ll have to accept. I’m surprised she’s seeing anyone at all.”

“She told me that, like, the night we met. She was drunk and came up to me and said, ‘it still hurts. Why the fuck does it still hurt?’ and I just… I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Kate grins and ruffles his hair. “None of us do, Natey Nate. Except for Katie. She’s doing you.”

Nate turns red and smacks her but his lip twitches and soon they’re both laughing, maybe a little hysterically but laughing all the same.

**

“I wish I was a kitten,” Brendon sighs mournfully.

“Why?” Ryan asks, not looking up from what he was reading. Kate’s pretty sure it’s actually a fan fiction about One Direction, but she keeps quiet for his sake.

“Because then I could like, purr. And chase my tail. And pounce on people. And I’d be super adorable. I mean, who doesn’t love kittens?”

“I don’t want everyone to love you, though,” Ryan tells him, finally looking up from his piece of reading. “Then you’d probably leave me.”

Brendon coos and drapes himself on Ryan. “I wouldn’t be able to leave you, dear Ryan.”

He snorts. “Okay, kitten.”

“Gay,” Ashton mutters. Kate snickers.

Nate and Katie are out, doing whatever they do (it probably involves pizza- everyone loves pizza, yes, but Nate and Katie have a weird obsession thing going on. No one really understands but she’s pretty sure no one really wants to, anyways) and Ashton gets up, nodding at them. “I’m going to run to the store. Be back later.”

Lately, Ashton’s been kind of cold. Kate’s been trying to push it out of her mind- he’s probably just worried about Luke and Katie, and maybe he needs to do this, to get over her. She understands. It’s okay, really.

Well, it’s not really but there’s nothing she can do about it.

**

“KEEP QUIET, NOTHING COMES AS EASY AS YOU. CAN I LAY IN YOUR BED ALL DAY? I’LL BE YOUR BEST KEPT SECRET AND YOUR BIGGEST MISTAKE. THE PEN BEHIND THIS HAND RELIVES A FAILURE EVERYDAY…”

Kate’s alone at a concert and she isn’t sure how, or why, but she is.

Brendon and Ryan had been sleeping and she knew that Ryan had already been so tired lately. She didn’t want to wake him up. And Katie and Nate were probably here somewhere, maybe, and Luke and Ashton had met some girls. She was worried about Luke; she knew better than most how you could self-destruct because it was better than nothing at all.

So she’s alone and she hates it.

The rush is still going through her, and then Patrick’s face just… lights up when he sees her and then maybe then is when she realizes that this is it, this is all she really needs, maybe. Is Patrick.

And that’s. Well. That’s kind of a terrifying thought, to be honest, because she’s never relied on a person for happiness before, not after… well, not after Travis. But that’s another story. And not really a happy one, at that.

After the concert, Patrick shows up at her side, sweaty, with his hat on (she kind of loves his hats) and grinning. “Hey! Where was everyone?”

She shrugs. “Not sure. You were amazing, though.”

He blushes. “Me? I don’t think so, but okay.”

She takes his hand and they start walking, no destination really in mind.

“Hey, uh,” Patrick rubs the back of his neck. “Since your friends are not around, right now, do you want to like… come hang out with us?”

He looks nervous and flustered and doesn’t meet her gaze, looking braced for rejection. Kate can’t tell if she thinks it’s sad or adorable. He looks adorable right now, but it’s sad he’s so used to being turned down that he can’t even look her in the eye.

“I’d love to,” she tells him warmly and he beams at her, his tongue getting caught between his teeth with his smile.

“Awesome! Yay! Um, I think you’ve already met Pete, and Andy and Joe are… well. They’re Andy and Joe. Joe’s kind of high a lot, or maybe he’s just like that, none of us really know. And Andy’s all environment, do not mention global warming, my god. He’ll talk your ear off.”

She nods, smiling and leaning into him just a little.

Joe and Andy and Pete are all sprawled around on couches and Pete’s sort of halfway on the floor.

As soon as Patrick enters the room, Pete’s up and throwing himself at him, yelling “PAT!”

“Oomf,” he grunts. “Hi, Pete.”

“You fucker, leaving us for a woman. A _woman._ I mean, a very attractive one,” Pete winks at Kate, who blushes. He laughs. “But still. I mean we’re doing productive things here, man.”

Patrick dubiously raises an eyebrow. “Looks like it. Pizza box. _Two_ pizza boxes. What looks like very upscale beer. Note sarcasm.”

Pete rolls his eyes at him while Andy snickers.

“So, you’ve met Kate, right?” Patrick asks, his arm sort of around her and sort of not.

“Yes!” Pete chirps, grinning.

“No,” Joe and Andy reply.

“She’s awesome,” Pete tells them.

Kate’s not quite used to compliments like Pete gives, and she ducks her head, not sure what to say or if she should say anything at all; she’s never been good at receiving compliments.

But then Andy flashes her a kind smile, and Joe gives a thumbs up and maybe this isn’t so bad.

**

Two hours later, they’re all sitting on the floor.

“We should get high,” Joe announces, nodding to himself.

“Aren’t you already, man?” Andy asks, looking confused.

“I don’t really know anymore, y’know? It’s all kind of a blur.”

“Definitely high,” Pete says. Patrick nods in agreement.

He leans into Kate and whispers, “Have you ever done this?”

She shakes her head.

“I agree, let’s get high,” Patrick says.

She watches as Joe gets up and disappears back into the room and Patrick stretches out lazily, like a cat.

Joe returns.

Smoking pot isn’t actually that hard but she still totally messes it up; they don’t laugh at her, though, and Patrick helps her do it correctly. Wow, she should do this more often, actually. This is nice.

“Whoa, man,” Patrick says to Pete, frowning. “Whoa. The fuck are the donuts?”

“I ate them,” Pete shrugs. “Oops.” He laughs and flops onto Andy, who just kind of chuckles at him. He’s completely not high; Kate kind of respects him for that.

Patrick’s still next to her and his skin is like, really soft. Like satin. And he’s so pretty, my god, he’s probably the prettiest person she’s ever met.

She can’t feel her fingertips, and everything is really… bright and vibrant and everything feels okay. Like it does when Patrick’s around, only like, enhanced because she has Patrick here, too. It’s a nice feeling. And a foreign one. She can’t really connect her thoughts all that well right now.

It’s definitely different than being drunk. She’s not befuddled, or confused, or doing stupid shit. Well, okay, kind of she is. But it’s in a better feeling way than being drunk.

Patrick’s smile is absolutely huge and they’re leaning into each other a lot. Pete is laughing uncontrollably at something Joe just said, and Andy shakes his head at them, laughing a little bit. “You guys are kind of hilarious when you’re high.”

“WHY’D YOU ONLY CALL ME WHEN YOU’RE HIGH?” Pete bursts into song, continuing the verse. Kate stops paying attention to the tattooed bassist and settles on staring at Patrick.

He looks back at her, smiling and she leans into kiss him, their noses bumping. He giggles and she laughs and his lips taste like cream soda, almost too sweet but she’s really thirsty, anyways.

“Man, I’m so high I think I love you,” she tells him, then laughs.

He snorts, his nose rubbing against her neck. “I don’t _think,_ I know.”

“THEY JUST SAID THE THREE MAGIC WORDS!” Pete screeches, grinning from ear to ear. Sometimes she can’t quite tell if Pete’s actually high or just being himself.

“Whoa,” Joe groans. “You mean “blood sugar sex magic”?”

“That’s… that’s four, Joe,” Patrick says, his brow furrowed.

“Shit,” Joe mutters. “Shit, you’re right.”

Andy sighs loudly. He’s reading a book; Kate’s pretty sure it’s some kind of classic thing, like Jane Eyre. Or something. She isn’t sure.

“You know,” Patrick starts. “Someone once tweeted me about how I pronounce my lyrics on stage and I was like “fuck you you fucking motherfucker” because like it’s not like _they’ve_ tried to sing for six hours or something on stage. Fuck you!” He’s sounding genuinely angry. “They had no right!”

Kate laughs at him and after a minute, he joins her. Pete rolls his eyes at them.

“We should do something.”

“Like what?”

“Like fucking _eat_ something, man. I’m starved.”

“Well since _you,”_ Patrick’s eyes narrow at Pete. “Ate all the donuts, there’s nothing.”

“That’s why we’ve got to go somewhere, fucker,” Pete tells him, rolling his eyes.

“Like, where?” Kate asks. She stands up, stretching, then falls back down on top of Patrick, who giggles.

“Dude,” Joe begins, scrambling to his feet. “Dude, let’s go to fucking Taco Bell.”

“Yeah,” Patrick agrees. He stands up, grabbing Kate’s hand and helping her up as much as he can. They almost fall over twice but make it to leaning against the couch.

“There’s one like, right down the road,” Pete announces, standing up. He’s somehow completely steady and once again Kate questions if he’s just being himself.

“Whoo!” Patrick exclaims. His hand tightens around hers and Andy follows them out.

The night is warm and kind of humid and Patrick swings their hands as they walk. She can see the lit up sign of the restaurant ahead on the road.

They walk in silence, Pete occasionally breaking out into song.

Taco Bell is cold and air conditioned; Kate shivers and leans into Patrick more, since he’s kind of like a space heater.

She laughs at herself, then it kind of spirals out of control into peals of laughter, clutching her stomach and falling into him.

“What? What?” Pete demands. “What’s so funny?”

Patrick shrugs but his lips are twitching and then he joins her laughter, for no reason at all except they’re high and it’s two am and they’re at fucking Taco Bell.

Then Pete and Joe start giggling and Andy just rolls his eyes at them good naturedly as they head up to the counter.

“Um,” Pete stammers. “Can I have a double bean burrito? Thing? Yeah.”

The Taco Bell guy looks tired. His name tag reads Benjamin. “Okay.”

Pete leans forward, smirking. “Hey, Ben, d’you like your burritos hot?”

Kate’s eyes widen as he somehow makes it sound incredibly dirty.

Benjamin turns bright red. “Um. Uh. Yeah?”

Pete grins. “Good to know.”

Andy cuffs the back of his head. “Leave the poor boy alone, for Pete’s sake.”

And well, they all laugh really, really hard at that for about ten minutes straight.

They get their food, and Patrick ends up shoving his taco in Joe’s face, who just sputters and licks the lettuce off his nose. Andy says something like “Lettuce help you, Joe” and it’s completely terrible but they laugh anyways.

They’re all coming down from their high when they get back to the trailer.

Kate blinks tiredly. “I should get home.”

“Stay with me tonight,” Patrick asks. He turns bright red and Kate knows for a fact he’s sober now. “I mean. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or anything. Like. You totally don’t have to.”

She laughs. “Okay, ‘Trick.”

He smiles at her and tangles their fingers together.

Pete delivers a sloppy kiss on both of their cheeks, and Andy and Joe nod to them as they head to each respective bunk.

“This might be harder than I thought,” Patrick whispers, staring at the tiny bed.

“Mine has a whole floor of blankets,” she whispers back. He nods.

“I like the sound of that.”

Since the bus is just across the parking lot, Kate just drags him out the door, giggling to themselves as they race across the pavement.

It’s nearing five am, and Patrick’s yawning and it’s cute, because his nose crinkles and his eyes close and just, aw.

They carefully open the doors as quietly as possible and tip toe in.

Nate and Katie are snoring loudly, curled up in the corner. Luke and Ashton are in a tangled heap next to Brendon and Ryan, who are curled around each other like matching puzzle pieces.

Patrick and Kate kicks off their shoes and Patrick wriggles out of his button down shirt, leaving on his t-shirt. He takes off his pants, too; which isn’t that weird, because he’s wearing boxers and god knows she wouldn’t want to sleep in jeans.  Kate kind of takes his shirt because it would be hard to find her pajamas, anyways, and she’s wearing this kind of tight uncomfortable tshirt with yoga pants (because yes, they’re just so fashionable) and buttons it up.

“You look good,” he tells her as they settle into the edge, sort of by the wheel, in the back corner. She tugs the duvet over them.

“Thanks.”

He wraps his arms around her and she snuggles into him, closing her eyes because she’s exhausted, and Patrick’s with her and man, she’s not so high anymore and she’s pretty sure she’s in love with him.

**

“D’you know, I think they’re really cute.”

“Of course you do. You’ve been shipping them for months, Brendon.”

“Yeah well, they’re obviously _meant to be.”_

Kate grumbles, shoving herself closer to the Patrick smelling human next to her. It’s probably Patrick. She doesn’t mind. She’s just really, really fucking tired.

“Should we wake them up?”

“Nah, they’ve obviously had a rough night. I think we should let them be.”

“I think we should wake them up,” someone else interjects, sounding kind of irritated. She recognizes Ashton. She wishes they’d all just shut up.

“Go the fuck away,” Patrick snaps.

“Ooo, we’ve angered the dragon!”

“Run! Run!”

They giggle.

Kate closes her eyes and falls back asleep.

**

“This is all pointlessly dramatic.”

Ryan and Brendon are sitting on the bus. Kate and Patrick are sleeping like rocks still, and Katie, Nate, Luke and Ashton left to get food.

“Don’t say that!” Brendon gasps, staring at him. “Ashton _loves_ her, it’s not pointless!”

Ryan’s lips quirk upward at his boyfriend’s scandalized tone. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry! You’re right. But still. I don’t like drama.”

“Well,” Brendon says thoughtfully. “I just wish Ash was happy, y’know? I don’t know who with. Or even if he was with someone. Just happy.”

“I wish he was gay,” Ryan says bluntly. “Then we could set him up with Luke.”

“Luke is still infatuated with Calum, so that wouldn’t work.”

“God, this would be so much more simple if Kate and Patrick weren’t together.”

“Yeah but,” Brendon’s voice softens. “I don’t know. It ‘s sad, and everything, with Ashton, but the way Patrick looks at her is like… I don’t know. He looks at her like she’s the entire universe, you know? And she looks at him like he’s more. As much as it would be better if Ashton and Kate were together, Patrick and Kate are really meant to be.”

Ryan loops his arm around Brendon. “Yeah. I know what you’re saying. I just want everyone to be happy.”

Brendon kisses him. “I know. Sometimes, you just gotta do the best you can.”


	3. chapter three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it all starts to go to hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i felt sad when i wrote this omg

_Tonight is all about I miss you._

God dammit, Michael thinks, propping his feet up on the couch. What has he done?

The days have piled up, and it’s suddenly months after he’s left, and New York is fucking _boring._ He really, really misses the bus. He misses Kate, and the way she always looked after everyone, especially Katie and Ashton, and he even misses the way she talked about the lead singer, Patrick. He misses Ashton, and how the boy was like a fucking sunbeam every single day, and how his smile could light up a room. He misses Luke, and his shy smiles and the way he put everyone before himself. He misses Brendon, and his constant bounciness and constant grin. He misses Ryan, and his vicious sarcasm and the way he looked at Brendon when he thought he wasn’t looking.

He misses _her,_ Katie, more than anyone else, though.

Like, why the hell did he leave? Who the fuck cares if they’re all running? Michael’s never had a problem with being a coward, especially if it was with those people. He could have spent forever running with those people and never care.

He misses her smile, and the ghost of her hands when they would do these… things. He’s not even sure if she realized it when she did them. But if Michael’s head was in her lap, Katie would just start running her fingers through it, her nails lightly scratching his scalp. Or if they were falling asleep, together like always, she’d play with the loose threads on his shirt. Stuff like that, little things that Michael notices the aching absence of now.

See, yeah, it is his fault. He knows that. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss her. And right now, he’d take it all back in a heartbeat.

It’s just. Fuck. He misses _everything._

He misses the way they’d all fall asleep on top of each other, and Katie’s hair would be in his mouth and Kate’s arm would be tossed across his leg, and Brendon would always snore too loud and Ryan would wake him up in the middle of the night with thrashing and Luke’s leg would be suffocating him, and Calum would be halfway on top of him but somehow, everything was perfect.

He misses how the awful sexual tension between Ryan and Brendon, and how Kate gazed at Patrick on stage, and how in turn, Ashton gazed at Kate, and how Luke and Calum smiled at each other and how Katie looked at him. He wonders if Ryan and Brendon actually snapped to it and got together. He hopes so.

If anything, he’s learned not to take anything for granted.

**

Michael starts writing a song.

 _For a while we pretended_  
That we never had to end it  
But we knew we'd have to say goodbye  
You were crying at the airport  
When they finally closed the plane door  
I could barely hold it all inside

And yeah, he wishes they’d had the cliché airport ending, but they didn’t have that because Michael is an idiot and fucking left, taking Calum with him. He isn’t even sure how he got his best friend to agree; surely manipulation. Calum was desperately, hopelessly in love with Luke. Michael can see it in his eyes, that he misses him. They never talk about it. It’s sort of an unspoken rule, not to mention the gaping hole that’s living inside of them both. Who knew people could affect you so greatly?

Of course, these weren’t just ordinary people.

He loved them.

They were _family._

And Katie, well. Katie was his everything. And now they’re separated. He wonders what she’s doing. If she’s happy. He hopes so; he can’t find it in himself to be happy without her, but maybe she can. That would be good. Even though he has every intention of finding them again, as soon as they get to New York.

 _Torn in two_  
And I know I shouldn't tell you  
But I just can't stop thinking of you  
Wherever you are  
Wherever you are  
Every night I almost call you  
Just to say it always will be you  
Wherever you are

He always makes it to it ringing, or to the email thing saying “sending”, or to the “pending text message”, or any number of failed contact.

Michael doesn’t know what he’d say. Maybe that he’s sorry, and he loves her, that even if she’s in Texas getting lost in music, he stills thinks about her. That it’s always going to be her.

But no, that’s probably all a really bad idea. That’s why he always ends the call, or closes the tab, or puts his phone into airplane mode before it can send. He doesn’t know what to say, even though he has words exploding out of him faster than he can put them onto paper.

It’s just, fuck, he misses them. He misses them so much it hurts.

 _I could fly a thousand oceans_  
But there's nothing that compares to  
What we had, and so I walk alone  
I wish I didn't have to be gone  
Maybe you've already moved on  
But the truth is I don't want to know

He tries to make new friends. He does!

But they’re in everything, see. Because when you find the people you should probably spend forever with, they never really leave.

Calum and him hang out with this group that are kind of like them. He sees Brendon’s smile in Louis, and in Andrew, and a flash of Kate’s eyes in Harry. There’s traces of Ryan in Liam, and bits of Luke in Zayn. Smudges of Katie in Eleanor, and he finds a shadow of Ashton’s warmth in Danielle. Jack has Katie’s hair. It’s hard to be friends with people when they just remind you of what you don’t have. It’s also hard to be friends with people when you accidentally call them by someone else’s name five times in one day.

Michael wonders if they’ve moved on. Not just Katie (the thought of her with someone else sends a bolt of pain through him he prefers to ignore) but all of them. If there’s someone else sleeping on the yellow school bus, if they’ve found someone to replace where he used to be. If maybe Kate laughs at the other Michael’s jokes, if Katie smiles at him like she used to. He hopes not. He doesn’t really want to know, either.

It’s becoming more and more evident that home isn’t a place, home is the right people, and home is in a beat up school bus that never stays in one place for more than a night.

**

But in the end, he supposes, it’s always going to be them. Wherever they are.

**

Florida is humid and flat.

They’re not going that far into it; just the border, just crossing the state line.

Kate doesn’t mind. It doesn’t look like that nice of a state anyways. Pretty, maybe, at the coast; but over developed so full of people, like California only without the beauty she knew was there.

Patrick is all sweaty, since it’s fucking _hot,_ and she has to admit it’s kind of sexy. It sometimes amazes her that he actually exists.

“Where are you looking forward to?”

“Um,” Kate would be lying on top of him, but it’s too hot for that. The bus doesn’t have air conditioning, and considering it’s getting to June, the degree is climbing.

He must sense her indecision, and says, “I’m excited for DC. I love the Smithsonian. I worked there, once.”

Kate’s looking at him, and he blushes because he recognizes the ‘how-are-you-even-real-Patrick’ look.

“I never worked someplace like that,” she shrugs, leaning against him, deciding the heat can fuck off. “I wish I did, though.”

“Where have you worked?”

“Eh… a record shop in Illinois, when we were saving up to follow you, and a coffeeshop there, too. And as a tutor, once.”

He pokes her, grinning. “I bet you’re super smart.”

She rolls her eyes. “Yeah, that’s me. The genius.”

“I know,” he says seriously.

“Well,” she pauses, thinking. “I think I’m looking forward to New York.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, I don’t like big cities but everyone always talks about how fabulous it is. You know?”

“Yeah,” Patrick agrees.

They’re quiet for a moment.

“So like,” he tilts his head, like he’s trying to get his thoughts together. “Weird question but. Who do you think is the most like you? Like, who are you… able to relate to most?”

“Pete,” is Kate’s answer.

“Wentz?” Patrick asks doubtfully, because he knows Pete, and he knows Kate, and the two. Well. They seem kind of… different. Because Pete is this wreck, this person that can’t be alone and thrives off other people, Pete is… well, Pete. Insane and sad and trying to figure out how those two fit together in the sanest way possible.

And Kate’s…. well, Kate’s all soft edges. Kate is smiles and liking to curl up in corners with books (or maybe gay erotica; Patrick doesn’t really know yet) and hot chocolate, she likes small towns and soft voices and angry music. Kate is like a bird, trying to fly when the wind keeps knocking it down, trying to be strong in a world that won’t allow it.

“Yeah,” she shrugs. “Pete’s special. And like. He’s all these broken words, he’s like thirty different versions of broken. He scribbles things down that I think only really you get, but I kind of understand what he’s saying. Pete is masking that he can’t be alone with loud smiles and big eyes, Pete’s trying to keep up a mask when he can barely keep himself alive and just… yeah. Shit. I didn’t mean to say that much.”

But now Patrick’s staring at her because fuck, if this is how she feels then he might just cry.

“I mean,” she backtracks quickly. “I don’t know him very well but-“

Patrick cuts her off by placing a finger on her lips. He wonders how he looks right now, and if it’s anything like he feels. “Kate…”

“Yeah?”

He shakes his head. “Do you… do you…”

And thank fuck for Kate and her understandingness.

“Sometimes,” she doesn’t look at him, twisting her fingers around. “I mean. I shouldn’t because I’m happy and-“

“No no no,” Patrick cuts her off again, shaking his head. “Your feelings are _always_ validated. Always. You have every right to feel what you feel. Even if I hate that it’s that. I don’t want you anything but happy.”

Except those aren’t the right words, fuck, he doesn’t know how to tell her he wants her to be like the sun, so full of light that it can’t help but touch everything. He wants her to beam at nothing, to read sad books and cry but smile because it was so well written to make her do that, he wants her eyes to light up when he comes into the room, he wants to hear her sing in the shower. He wants to have her be happy, so fucking badly. He isn’t sure if it’s even a want, but maybe more of a need.

But fuck it, because Pete’s always been the lyrics. Patrick can never say what he’s feeling, really, and Pete can write down his own feelings but often they’re so full to the brim with agony or love or just this utter, intense _feeling_ that kind of awes Patrick. He wonders what it’s like, to feel everything that intensely.

But maybe, maybe Kate gets it because she smiles at him, this sort of crooked half smile and hugs him. Maybe she doesn’t have words, either.

**

She meets Alex on a Tuesday night at 4 am in Georgia.

Even though it’s dark, it’s still warm and Kate’s only wearing shorts and a hoodie. Her Converse make soft noises against the pavement as she paces up and down the parking lot. She can’t sleep; a usual occurrence.

She has music playing in one ear, the other she leaves the head phone out, just in case something happens.

He’s leaning against the Dumpster, cigarette burning softly in the darkness. She can’t see his face.

“Hey,” he says to her, nodding. She’s just made another lap around the parking lot, that’s bathed in the harsh orange glow from the streetlamp. The sound of cars is prominent.

“Oh,” she squeaks, looking at him. “Uh. Hi.”

God, she hopes he’s not a rapist.

“You can see the stars tonight,” he observes, face tilted upwards. She follows his gaze to where faint pin points of light are making an appearance.

“You can,” she agrees, because she’s not quite sure what else to say.

He grins and steps into the light. He’s got ruffled brown hair and brown eyes, and his hood is pulled over his head. His smile takes up his whole face. “What’s your name?”

“Kate,” she tells him, running a hand through her hair and trying to appear calm.

“Cool. M’Alex.”

“Nice to meet you, Alex.”

A sort of bitter smile breaks out across his face. This one is different, it’s not as warm as the last one. Forced. Fake.

“Nice to meet you too, Kate. What brings you to the parking lot of a Wal Mart slash McDonalds at four am on a Tuesday?”

She jerks a thumb to the school bus in the corner. His gaze alights upon it and he makes an “ah” sound.

“So you’re following a band?”

“Fall Out Boy, yeah.”

“Good music?”

“Would I follow them in a fucking bus if they weren’t?”

He laughs. “Good point. You a groupie?”

And for some reason, for some reason she doesn’t mention she’s dating the lead singer, she doesn’t say Patrick’s name. Maybe it’s the fact that Alex looks so lonely, standing there, maybe it’s that she feels so free right now, in this parking lot. She doesn’t know.

“Nah. I mean. They’re pretty fuckable but nah.”

And she doesn’t know why she’s lying, or if she’s lying because no, her and Patrick haven’t fucked yet but she feels like it’s something she should be mentioning.

“Oh,” Alex says, sounding amused. “Shame. I would.”

They’re quiet for a moment.

“D’you know,” he starts. “That’s Andromeda. She got chained to a rock.” He’s pointing to the sky. Kate looks up to a cluster of faint stars, almost unseeable through the light pollution.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Perseus saved her, see. From the sea monster. Her own mother sacrificed her.”

And maybe it’s that it’s 4 am and she’s tired but can’t sleep and that rings a little too close to home and she bursts into tears.

Alex looks alarmed and awkwardly pats her back, before just going in for a full hug. “Um. Are you alright?”

And yeah, he’s a complete stranger but suddenly she doesn’t really mind.

“No,” she tells him honestly.

He looks concerned, like genuinely concerned. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know.”

He looks like he gets that. Which is alarming. “Yeah. Yeah, I know how that feels.”

So then he’s leading her to the Dumpster and it almost breaks her heart because there’s this cardboard house thing, and he explains that at 10 am every morning, when they stop serving breakfast, McDonalds throws out a bunch of Egg McMuffins and that’s what he eats because he got fired and can’t get a job anywhere and his landlord threw him out and he didn’t have anywhere else to go.

He tells her about how it feels, to know everyone’s looking at you like you’re insane when he’s just a kid, only twenty-one, that got bad luck and doesn’t know what to do. He tells her about how good an actual, cooked meal would taste right now, or maybe even a bed. He tells her about the way the cashier looks at him like he’s a danger whenever he stops by the gas station to use whatever money he could get. He tells her about the constellations, and coffee shops and dreams and she doesn’t know why he’s telling her this stuff, but she listens.

And by the time the sun is slowly starting to rise, she kind of feels like they’re best friends. Like she can trust him.

“Hey,” she asks him, glancing to where his profile is outlined in the golden light. “Do you wanna come on our bus?”

**                                                                 

So everyone’s kind of angry at Kate.

Which, you know, makes sense. Because she did kind of bring a homeless dude to live them none of them had ever met before. At least they all knew Nate.

Alex seems kind of scared of Brendon (Kate does not blame him for this) and that’s all she’s got from him. He looks at everyone the same, really. Kind of surprised and kind of sad and kind of really fucking happy.

“Well,” he starts. They’re sitting in the back, chatting quietly since everyone is still suspicious of Alex. “This beats living in a cardboard shack.”

Kate laughs. “I’d hope so. Bus sweet bus.”

They’re interrupted as Patrick bursts in.

And yeah, fuck, she still kind of hasn’t told Alex about Patrick and she doesn’t know why. It’s not like she’s interested in him, or anything. Seeing Patrick confirms it; his hair is still like sunshine, and his eyes are still like miniature oceans and he still makes her heart feel like it’s taking off.

“Who is that?” Alex asks.

“That’s ‘Trick,” she tells him, a smile spreading across her face before she can stop it. She missed him.

“Hi,” Patrick says to her, plopping down and leaning against her legs.

“Hi,” Kate smiles back, feeling bubbly. They just sort of beam at each other for a couple of minutes before Alex coughs.

“Oh,” she starts. “This is Alex. Alex, this is Patrick.”

“Hi!” Patrick says again, his face lighting up. Kate’s pretty sure Alex is in love, if the way the classic ‘oh-my-god-are-you-even-real’ expression is taking over his face. Patrick has that effect on people.

“Hey,” Alex nods. “So are you guys dating?”

“Two months now,” Patrick tells him happily. He glances at Kate. “Right? I mean. I thought so?”

“Something like that,” she grins. Time doesn’t really matter, though, and she’s pretty sure Patrick can pick up on what she’s not saying, if the kiss on the cheek is any clue.

They sit there for a while, Alex and Patrick chatting away about music while Kate halfway falls asleep on Patrick’s lap.

She’s feeling pretty content, right now, to be honest.

**

It’s a little awkward between her and Ashton, and she isn’t sure how that happened, or how to fix it.

“So,” he says, running a hand through the butterscotch curls she knows so well. “Um. Hi?”

She laughs. “Hi.”

And maybe this is good, because lately it’s been KateandPatrick, and no KateandAshton but she finds herself unable to fit back with him like she used to. And maybe it’s because she’s changed a little in the last two months, but so has he. She’s seen the way he looks at Nate.

It’s now that she wonders why he always falls in love with people who can’t look at anyone else.

She asks him.

Ashton leans against her, his arm warm against her skin. “I don’t know. There’s something addictive about loving someone that won’t ever love you back, you know?”

“Yeah,” she agrees, even though she doesn’t. Maybe it’s easier, she thinks. Maybe then you can imagine the relationship, give it dreams instead of reality. Base it off of cafes and travel plans and weddings instead of what it really is, concrete and buses and the smell of fast food at three am. But it’s pretty perfect, either way.

“I don’t mean to,” he says quietly. “But you were. You were. Fuck. You were everything. And now, he… he’s more.”

She knows who he’s talking about, and that’s, well. That’s that.

“D’you know,” she begins, leaning against him a little. “I think everything will work out. I think Katie will stop pretending she loves Nate, when she almost calls him Michael every day. I think Brendon and Ryan will keep being what they are, which is totally ridiculous and painfully in love. I think Luke and Calum will find each other again, because obviously they belong. I think you and Nate will… I don’t know. But Nate treats you differently, Ash, so maybe there’s something there.”

“What about you, then?”

She smiles at him. “Well, I’ll remain with Patrick, of course.”

Ashton just looks at her. “But is that really where you’re meant to be?”

Then he gets up and leaves and Kate doesn’t understand what he means, but maybe she kind of does because for a millisecond after he said those words, brown ruffled hair and chocolate eyes appeared in her head.

**

The first time she’s on the Fall Out Boy bus, she’s taken there by Joe.

Pete and Patrick are draped all over each other, and it’s not like that’s bad, or anything. But Patrick jumps off of his best friend and looks guilty.

Kate doesn’t think anything of it.

(But looking back, maybe she should have).

Patrick loops an arm around her waist and kisses her cheek. “Hey babe!”

He sounds too hearty, too fake, but she pushes it out of her head, because he’s probably just doing weird voice things for the concert that night.

It’s not as hot in DC, but still hot, and she’s wearing shorts. None of the guys are, but she’s noticed a definite difference in guys’ shorts than girls. As in, there’s less of them.

Pete starts talking to her loudly about music, while Patrick just holds her hand and keeps quiet.

Something’s off.

She just doesn’t know what.

**

She waits for Patrick to mention something about the Smithsonian.

It doesn’t come.

**

Sometime in those little states like Delaware that no one really remembers the name of, Alex talks to her about Patrick.

That’s not that weird; her and Alex talk about everything. He’s like Ashton used to be, except different because it’s Alex, not Ashton.

“Just… be careful, yeah?” He’s looking at Kate with this look in his eyes that she can’t quite place. It’s dark and bittersweet.

“Of what?” She asks in confusion, but he just shrugs.

“Of everything.”

She wants to know what he means, but something about Alex is that he never quite explains everything. Kate supposes that’s okay, she doesn’t really either. But sometimes she’d like to know, especially when it involves Patrick, who’s been increasingly more distant lately.

Katie flops into the room. “Hi, guys. We’re almost to New York.”

And yeah, for some reason everyone’s really excited for New York. Brendon’s been bouncing around (he always does, but more than usual) and pouring over travel guides. Kate had found Ryan planning his outfits out for the city, and Ashton is always mentioning it, like “Well, when we get to NY we can get those donuts” and “I’d bet they have that in _New York.”_ Luke’s had this quiet smile about him lately, and Nate is always talking about his friends there, jumping up and down. Kate can’t really tell why everyone’s so amped, except that she is too. It’s weird.

Alex tugs his hood up, looking down. They’ve warmed to him a lot, but not completely. But Kate knew everything was going to be okay when Luke asked Alex if he liked Blink 182 (the answer was yes). He only did that to them, the bus members. Plus, if he was in with Luke, he was in with everyone because they all sort of adored Luke and were just a little protective of him.

(Ryan had threatened Calum with a very… colorful threat after he found Luke sobbing one day).

(They all had, really).

“Hey, ‘Lex,” Katie greets him. “How does it feel to be old?”

Alex snorts. He’s barely even the oldest on the bus (but still is). Katie and Kate are nineteen, Brendon’s eighteen, Ryan’s twenty, Ash is nineteen and Luke is eighteen. Alex beats them all at twenty-one.

“Well, imagine you’re covered in so much dust you can’t move,” he starts, a smirk playing on the corner of his lips. Kate rolls her eyes at him. “And you feel crinkly all the time. That’s pretty much me.”

“He’s lying!” Ryan calls from the passenger seat. Brendon’s driving. “It feels like being covered in cherries.”

“Dude, no, I hate cherries,” Alex protests.

“Exactly. I hate being old.”

Kate’s pretty sure the whole bus rolls it’s eyes in unison.

**

She can’t really pinpoint when Patrick stops kissing her.

It just kind of… happens. She doesn’t notice it’s gradual slowing until it’s just cheek kisses, then just hugs. Nothing.

It’s not like it’s a big deal; kissing isn’t always the best, anyways. But she feels like it’s a big deal, to him, maybe. She wants to talk to him about it but Kate’s always had an issue with confronting people. Besides, it’s probably nothing.

He starts leaving these little clues. Doesn’t give her his shirts, stops the usual post concert drive to get food, stops telling her that he loves her.

She’s losing him.

The thought comes to her on a sunny day when Ryan’s driving and she’s in the passenger seat. It aches to think, leaves a whispery trail of burns through her heart. She’s losing him, and she doesn’t know how to fix it.

**

It happens in Philadelphia.

“Oh god,” she says. “Please tell me you didn’t.”

Patrick’s hands wave around uselessly, like he’s weighing the air between him. He always did that, gestured with his hands. She wonders if he can do anything to illustrate what he’s told her.

“I’m sorry,” he says helplessly, not meeting her gaze.

 _Oh god,_ she thinks. _Does he kiss better than I do, oh god is his hips not lined with this fat, oh god are his lips better than mine._

She thinks that maybe, if he kissed her right now, they could pretend to be okay. He could take her hand, and sing her a song and maybe life would alright, they could be alright.

He doesn’t, doesn’t even try to fix it.

And she wants to whisper that he was _hers,_ that she has a claim on him except she doesn’t. It’s nothing compared to Pete. Pete’s been his best friend for years, and Kate’s been here for what, three months? Four? Expendable.

The words dry on her throat like broken glass.

“I loved you,” she whispers. It’s come out dry, cracked.

“I know,” he replies, still not meeting her gaze.

_Oh god, how loud your guilt sounds._

She wants to scream but suddenly isn’t sure how. And then it’s all coming to her in high definition pictures, bright against her mind.

_Pete laying on top of Patrick, Patrick hastily getting up. His fake voice and smile. How he didn’t kiss her anymore. The looks between them. Pete, Pete, Pete._

Suddenly she has the most horrible thought.

“Did… did…” she clears her throat, trying to fight back tears. “Did you only… like me because I reminded you of Pete?”

She closes her eyes, scared of the answer.

“No!” Patrick cries. “No, Kate, no. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I just.. I just…”

“Do you love him?”

She opens her eyes. He doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t need to. The answer is all in his eyes.

“I loved you,” she says brokenly. “I loved you.”

“I know,” he says again, not looking at her, again.

And then he’s gone, and it hits her like a wave that he doesn’t want to fix it, that maybe this is broken and maybe so is Kate.

**

When Alex finds her, she isn’t crying.

She’s sitting in Taco Bell (she probably should have chosen a better restaurant, not one so full of memories) and she’s staring at her soda, feeling blank. Empty.

“Hey, I’ve looked for you everywhere- fuck, what happened?”

She looks at him. “Do I really look that bad?”

He winces. “You look… kind of bad? Yeah. Oops?”

She shakes her head. “Patrick is with Pete.”

Alex pauses. “With… as in… with with?”

“Yeah.”

“Fuck,” he exhales heavily, running a hand through his hair. “Fuck. Did he do it while… while still with you?”

She just nods.

Alex tenses his hand, curls it into a fist. “That asshole.”

She shrugs. He looks at her. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

He knows she’s lying.

“Hey,” his tone is soft. “Hey, come on, Kat, let’s get back to the bus.”

She lets him help her up and they start walking. He keeps an arm around her, not saying anything. Kate is grateful for the silence.

As soon as they into the bus, everyone knows something is wrong.

Brendon is at her side in moments, looking worried, followed by Ryan, who’s brow is creased with curiosity and concern. Luke looks sad, for her, and Katie who looks upset and Nate, who just stares at her.

“What happened?”

Alex speaks for her. “Patrick is dating Pete now. Started while they were still together.”

She isn’t sure how, but somehow Kate ends up under blankets and they’re all watching Frozen again, even though everyone is tired of it but it’s Kate’s favorite movie, and when they all fall asleep in a heap together, she wonders how she got friends as perfect as these ones.


	4. Chapter 4

Everyone kind of follows her around like an entourage for the next couple of days. Kate doesn’t mind. It’s nice, to restore the togetherness they lost when she started spending so much time with Patrick.

They’re set to get into New York that night, at like, three am. Kate’s shift is from one to three, and it’s ten right now. Katie’s at the wheel with Nate next to her. They’re talking quietly.

“No, but seriously,” Brendon nods knowingly. They’ve somehow obtained ice cream for the night. He waves it around. “Have you _seen_ his cheeks? Like that boy needs plastic surgery.”

Kate can’t hold back a laugh; over the last few days, they’ve all been pretty much bashing Patrick. She feels bad because there’s nothing wrong with him, really; he’s still pretty and green eyed and sings like sunshine. It just hurts to think about it, now.

But maybe this is okay, because he’s happy with Pete. Happier than he ever was with her, as much as she’d like to deny it.

Because yeah, she loved him, but she supposes sometimes there’s those people who just get you, and maybe that’s Pete, for Patrick. Actually, she knew it was Pete. They had hidden notes no one else could understand, deep looks, long talks. It was obvious, maybe.

“Yeah,” Ryan agrees. “His skin is so pale, he’s like a vampire.”

“And not a hot Edward Cullen one, either,” Alex adds. “Like a gross one. He’s vampiric.”

“And totally beneath you,” Ashton chimes in, leaning his head against her shoulder. “You’re out of his league, Kate. You’re like if he was the one guy from Love Actually and you were the blonde one. Y’know?”

“Got to admit,” Luke sighs. “He’s a bit short on the legs. Isn’t he shorter than you?”

“I think we’re the same height,” Kate says, smiling.

“Yeah, well, you need a man taller than you,” Brendon announces. “Or… or, you know, a woman if that’s what you want-“

“Yeah, that’s _totally_ okay,” Ashton agrees, nodding earnestly. “Love is love, you know. AND I CAN’T CHANGE, EVEN IF I TRIED, EVEN IF I WAAANTED TO!”

“Please no,” Ryan groans, rolling his eyes at Ashton, who just grins and ruffles his hair.

“Awh, Ry, I won’t sing if it bothers you.”

Ryan just rolls his eyes at him and sighs. Brendon starts singing Same Love, and no one says anything because _damn,_ that boy has talent.

Ryan cuts him off by kissing him, and Luke shrieks and covers his eyes. Ashton grins to himself, glancing over at Nate (who’s actually looking back. Kate doesn’t know what this means) and Alex just smiles at Kate, leaning against her.

“I want Calum,” Luke says sadly, looking down. No one is quite sure what to say; they’ve all tried to push _them_ out of their minds, because it hurt them all when they left. Especially Katie and Luke, but still, they all felt it, the aftershocks.

Kate sees Katie stiffen and start to pay more attention to the back of the bus.

“Where do you think they are?”

Ryan shrugs at Brendon. “I don’t know.”

“I bet they’re in Antarctica,” Kate grins, falling back against Alex, who just sort of places his hand on her temple.

“Yeah,” Katie calls back. “And I bet Calum still shouts everything.”

“And Michael probably still tells him to shut the fuck up,” Brendon adds.

“And Calum probably just winks at him and says “Whatever you say, Pinky’”, Ryan smiles.

They’re all kind of quiet for a moment, thinking of their old bus mates.

“I miss them,” Ryan says suddenly, sounding sad. “I wish they were here.”

Kate scoots closer to him, away from Alex, who just pouts at her and closes his eyes again. “I know. We all do.” Then Brendon stretches his arm around them both, and Luke lays back, resting his head on Kate’s lap, and Ashton leans his head on Luke’s shoulder and they all close their eyes and take a moment to miss their friends.

**

“So,” Alex starts. It’s nearing 2 am and everyone else has passed out. Kate’s driving, Alex is in the passenger seat. “Tell me about them.”

“Who?”

“Michael and Calum.”

Sometimes she forgets Alex wasn’t with them, then. He fits in here like a puzzle piece.

She sighs, focusing on the pavement that’s flashing underneath them. “Well. Okay. Calum was always loud, loud, loud. When he drove, he always shouted things back and screamed Take This To Your Grave, like, literally the whole album.”

“Did him and Luke…”

“Date? Yeah. I think he was really the only one to crack Luke’s shell, then, besides Ashton that is. They’d just talk and talk, almost silently to each other. Calum absolutely adored Luke, looked at him like he was his whole world, his whole galaxy. They were the most in love couple I’ve possibly ever seen, except maybe Pete and Patrick.”

She’s put it out there, and Alex doesn’t deny it, just takes her hand.

“And Michael, well. Michael was… he was loud, and sarcastic and kind of a jerk in the nicest way possible. He had an intense obsession with Blink 182 and swore a lot, and he dyed his hair every other week. I take back what I said before, Katie and Michael are the second most in love couple I’ve ever seen, Patrick and Pete don’t hold a candle to them.”

Well, they actually might, of what she’s seen of them has been any clue. She doesn’t like to look at them though, it’s caustic.

“The way they looked at each other made my heart ache, in a good way. I don’t think there’s ever been a person that got Katie like he did, and the same goes for Michael. I still don’t really know why he left. He said we had to stop running. And I guess he’s right, we’re running from responsibilities and life and everything else adults are supposed to do. Hell, Brendon didn’t even finish high school. I don’t know what we’re doing.”

“Well,” Alex shrugs. “I think that this is really nice. I don’t think I’ve seen a group of people happier than you guys. So maybe that’s what you’re doing. Being happy.”

He pauses, thinking. “Have I ever told you about Jack?”

Kate shakes her head. “I don’t think so.”

He swings their hands a little, hums. “Jack was… Jack was a lot of things. He was loud and funny and styled his hair in the emo fringe purposefully, and laughed at every single bad joke. He loved pancakes and hated waffles, and his favorite song was New York, by Alicia Keys. I don’t know. I loved him a lot, and I’d like to think he loved me, too. We lived in a little house in Baltimore. He smelled like apples.”

Alex swallows, squeezing her hand. “I don’t know what happened, but I could feel it as I lost him. I could feel it as he started to destroy himself, and there was nothing I could do. I tried, oh god, I tried so hard. I told him how beautiful he was, how much he meant to me, how I loved him. It wasn’t enough. _I_ wasn’t enough.

“The call came at 2:27 pm. I remember, because I used to work at this record shop and at 2:30 I always started sorting the CDs. He jumped off a bridge, I guess. Didn’t tell me. Left a note. All it said was “ _I’m sorry.”_

His shoulders shaking, and Kate glances at him, not letting go of his hand.

“I couldn’t keep up rent on my own, so I got kicked out by our landlord, Rian. He tried to let me stay, he really did; finding excuses left and right. Even invited me to stay with him and his girlfriend, Cassadee. But I couldn’t do it. I had to leave that that town, that house that still smelled like him, that _god forsaken bridge.”_

He takes a shuddery breath. “So I used the rest of my money to get to Georgia and then there I was.”

“I’m sorry,” Kate says quietly. “Literally, Alex, you have no idea how sorry I am. That that happened to you, that it happened to him. No one deserves that.”

“Yeah,” he agrees. “Not really, no. No one.”

So she pulls over and hugs him for a while.

When they’re back up and driving, Alex props his feet on the dashboard, leaning back. It’s three.

She’s just turning into the venue they’re staying at and parking, yawning.

“Did you love Patrick a lot?” He asks suddenly.

She squints. The sound of his name makes her stomach burn. “I did.”

He exhales. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’d rather he realized it sooner than later, I suppose. And him and Pete are happy together.”

He glances at her. “Yeah. They are. But if Patrick had just, you know, realized before he dated you for two months…”

She rolls her eyes. “Yeah, but sometimes we need an eye opener. Sometimes we need something to realize something.”

He looks at her and says, “Is this something?” and kisses her.

Kate can feel her heartbeat in her eyes and her mind is devoid of anything but _Alex, Alex, Alex._

His lips are different than Patrick’s; they aren’t so soft, or taste so sweet. His lips are a little chapped and he has the lingering taste of cigarette smoke, with these hints of vanilla. It’s different, in a good way.

Their kiss is broken when Alex falls into the area between the seats.

She laughs at him, stifling her laughter with her hand so as not wake anyone up as he pouts at her.

“Time for bed, ‘Lex,” she grins, helping him up.

She takes off her shoes and flops down. They get the corner right up against the front seat this time, the one with the least amount of blankets.

Alex attaches himself to her immediately, wrapping his arms around her waist and snuggling up to her.

“Clingy type ehh?” She laughs. He snorts into her hair.

“Shut up. Let me sleep.”

She grins to herself and closes her eyes because wow, they’re in New York and tomorrow’s going to be pretty crazy anyways.

**

“Whoa,” Katie says, staring open mouthed across the ocean. “It’s fucking Lady Liberty, guys.”

“Fuck yeah, America!” Brendon cheers, throwing his fists up into the air. “Freedom!”

Kate rolls her eyes at him but smiles.

New York is. Well, it’s big and busy and they all kind of love it. Katie and Kate have never been for big cities, but there’s something about this place, like it’s built on dreams or something.

“Can we just live here?” Luke asks, staring around at everything with wide blue eyes. Ashton’s looking slightly awed, and Alex just looks unruffled. She supposes he grew up in a city, though.

“It’s expensive,” Ryan says, but he’s also looking awed.

“I love it here,” Katie sighs.

They start ambling towards a Dunkin’ Donuts. Kate can only imagine what they look like; a bunch of kids in ripped up jeans and faded band shirts (she’s pretty sure Luke’s got like, thirty Nirvana shirts hidden away somewhere) and Brendon and Ryan all over each other, and Katie shouting about donuts every other step and Nate humming and Alex looking as menacing as he usually does.

An odd bunch, really.

She wouldn’t have it any other way, though.

**

“Wait, where are we going?” Andrew asks blankly.

Michael groans and runs a hand through his currently purple hair. “We’re going to find out where Fall Out Boy is playing.”

“Wait,” Andrew frowns. “Wait. Fall Out Boy? My friend Nate is following them around in like, a bus?”

Michael screeches to a stop. “What?”

The older man shrugs. “I dunno. Last I heard, he had a girlfriend and was staying in a bus with a bunch of teenagers.”

“Like you’re one to talk,” Michael snorts. “M’only nineteen, bro. But, okay. What’s his girlfriend’s name?”

“Katie, I think.”

All the breath leaves him in a sickening gasp. “Are… are you sure? It’s not Kate?”

Andrew shakes his head. “I don’t think so. I thought it was Katie.”

He takes a deep breath again, trying to replenish his air. He could be wrong; he could be talking about Kate. That seems wrong, though, because Kate should be with Patrick by now.

“Okay, okay, whatever,  let’s go. Do you know where they are?”

Andrew pulls his phone out. “I could text Nate.”

“Are you alright?”

Michael jumps as Danielle looks at him in concern. Danielle is a dancer, with crazy toffee colored curls and a bright smile. She and Eleanor have been dating for seven months, now.

“Yeah, yeah,” he nods, smiling nervously.

Eleanor raises an eyebrow at him. She’s pretty, too, with these long chestnut waves and green eyes. She looks kind of like a cross between Harry and Louis, these two boys who got married in Vegas on Harry’s eighteenth birthday. Even Michael, who isn’t very much of a romantic, thought it was pretty adorable.

“I don’t think so, Mikey. You seem antsy.”

“Oh, hey, they’re going to this Turkish place for lunch. Nate wants us to join them.”

Michael feels kind of like a rubber band pulled all the way back. “Do you know where that is?”

Andrew looks offended. “Of course. It was Nate’s favorite.”

Michael ignores him and rushes into the bathroom, slamming the door and closing his eyes. He focuses on his reflection; messy haywire purple hair, this ridiculous sweater he’s pretty sure is Brendon’s and too big on him, _maybe_ some eyeliner, and jeans.

He runs another hand through his hair, trying to bring some sort of order to it before giving up. “Okay, ready for dispatch! Let’s go, go, go!”

Calum grins at him, and Michael notices the spark in his eyes. He has no clue why Cal even agree to go with him; he loved (loves) Luke far too much. It’s a little bit confusing, but maybe it has something to do with Calum’s dedication to the “bro code.”

“You ready, Cal?” He asks.

Calum laughs at him. “I’ve been ready for months, Michael. Just waiting for you to get your head out of your ass and actually leave.”

“Shut up, asshole.”

They grin at each other and Calum leads the way out.

**

“I don’t like Turkish food,” Brendon complains.

“You’ve never had it,” Ryan points, which Kate has to admit is true. She’s pretty sure none of them have, except for Nate, who’s bouncing around excitedly. Apparently, his friends are meeting him here for a little while.

Ashton is watching him fondly. It’s cloudy out (“Pollution,” Katie had muttered in distaste), and he’s wearing one of his fifty billion red sweaters. Katie’s wearing a blue one she’s pretty sure is Michael’s, but Nate doesn’t seem to notice.

Ryan tangles his and Brendon’s fingers and the gesture makes Kate look around for Alex.

He’s hanging in the back, humming to himself and looking out across the bay. She melts back to him, taking his hand. She isn’t sure what she and Alex have; just that touching him calms the buzz in her brain, and lessens the caustic feeling of Patrick that’s been racing over her skin.

They all head into the restaurant and Kate, very professionally, requests for a bigger table. The waitress looks irritated and leads the way into the event room, the only place apparently big enough to hold them all.

Katie make Brendon and Ryan sit next to each other and not across from each other, to try and put a stop to any footsie that might go on. Kate notices that Katie has no problem with setting Ashton and Nate across from each other. She can’t decide what that means.

Alex sits next to her and they try and decode the menu together as Brendon throws bread at Luke, who just squeals and hides inside Ashton’s arms, who just chuckles and throws bread back.

Nate is tapping on the table and he keeps looking at the door. Katie’s humming Homesick At Space Camp and reading the menu. Ryan is sitting, sipping his Coke (Kate’s not sure how he managed to order with none of them realizing) and Alex is just kind of looking around curiously. He catches her gaze and smiles, taking her hand.

Then suddenly Nate’s face lights up and the door opens.

“Oh my fucking god,” Ashton chokes, staring at the door.

And yeah, there’s Michael and Calum.

**

Luke is up like a shot, rushing around the table with a muffled sob of “Calum!” and clinging to his shirt.

Calum looks like he’s tearing up himself. He buries his face in Luke’s neck and rocks them back and forth, muttering “Luke, Luke, my Luke,” over and over again.

Michael’s hands are covered by this sweater he’s wearing that Kate is pretty is the one Brendon’s been looking for like, the past three months.

“Is that my sweater?” Brendon gasps.

“Uh,” Michael shrugs. “Maybe?” He notices Alex and Kate’s hands and his eyebrows go up. “What the _fuck_ have I missed?”

“A lot,” Ashton shrugs, trying to talk over the now sobbing Calum. He gets up, grinning, and walks over to Michael, encasing him in a hug. “I missed you, fucker.”

“Thanks,” Michael grins, hugging him back. “Missed you too, bro. Fucking sucks here.”

“Hey!” The people from behind him protest. There’s a guy with sandy brown hair and blue eyes and a guy with some sort of curly mo hawk glasses. Nate is talking to them chirpily, telling them something.

Brendon bounces up and throws himself at Michael. “We missed you, Mikey. Bus wasn’t the same without your _odors.”_

Michael rolls his eyes as Ryan gets up and promptly hits him.

“Ow!” The purple haired boy screeches.

“Don’t you ever leave again, you asshole,” Ryan grunts, but the corner of his mouth is twitching.

Michael laughs and they hug, then he looks at Kate. “So? Where’s my hug?”

She rolls her eyes at him and hugs Michael. “I missed you, man.”

“I know, Kat. Missed you too.”

She smiles and sits back down. He takes an empty seat.

This whole time, they’ve all been ignoring the elephant in the room – Katie and Michael and the lack of hugs and greetings.

“So,” Michael starts. He grins at her. “You’ve got Patrick yet?”

Kate feels the prickly sensation move up her arms and Brendon frantically shakes his head and mouths “ _No!”_ at Michael.

“No, it’s fine,” Kate sighs. “Um, it’s kind of a story, yeah? I’ll tell you later.”

He nods. “Alright. Who’s this?” He nods at Alex.

“M’Alex,” Alex says, leaning forward to shake his hand. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Oh, yeah?” Michael smirks. “Talking about me, have you?”

“No,” everyone says just as Alex says, “All the time.”

“I’m going with Emo over here,” Michael shrugs. “Seems trustworthy. Fringe bond, you know.”

They all roll their eyes.

“Soooo,” Ashton drawls. “Um. Whatcha been up to, Mikey?”

“Oh god,” he sighs. “Absolutely nothing. Wrote a song or two. Layed around and dealt with a mopey Calum for weeks. Literally contemplated coming back to you guys like thirty times, but we decided to wait until you guys got to New York, so you know, we wouldn’t have to find you in some tiny as hell town somewhere.”

“Yeah, because god forbid you tried and looked for us,” Katie mutters.

The tension in the room goes up a notch.

“Um,” Ryan clears his throat. “You wrote a song, you say?”

Michael blushes; a thing Michael never does. “Um. Yeah. I guess you could say that.”

They’re interrupted as Calum comes over, literally carrying Luke, who’s beaming like a beam of sunlight.

“Whoa,” Alex whispers into Kate’s ear. “The transformation is kind of shocking.”

“I told you,” Kate whispers back.

“Secrets aren’t nice,” Michael says loudly, glaring at Alex and Kate. She blushes.

“Sorry.”

There’s another awkward silence, broken only by Nate chatting to Jack and Andrew.

“So,” Michael says in a low voice. “Who’s the old one?”

“You mean Nate?” Katie snaps.

“If that’s his name, yeah,” he agrees.

“That’s Nate, my _boyfriend.”_

For a moment, Michael’s face just falls, crumbles, like someone crushed it. But then he smiles again and Kate wonders if she just imagined it.

“Wow,” he drawls. “Kind of old, huh?”

“Oh yeah,” Katie shrugs. “Knows what he wants in life and everything, not worried about running away and stuff.”

Alex winces. He knows the fully story now, and can pretty much pick up on the all the hidden barbs in this conversation.

Michael just smirks. “I bet he does. Ready to retire and everything!”

They glare at each other.

Kate’s pretty sure she’s never been in more of a sexually tense situation.

“Rachel?” Nate says loudly from behind them. “What are you doing here?”

Kate glances around to see a pretty blonde girl with high cheekbones and warm eyes, smiling at Nate. He’s smiling back.

“I came with Jack, just thought I’d say hi,” she says sweetly.

Nate scratches his neck, and glances at Katie, who’s too busy glaring at Michael to notice.

“Um,” he says. Kate can see some indecision in his eyes. She wonders who this blonde girl is.  “Okay?”

“If it makes you uncomfortable, or anything, I can leave,” she offers, looking sad.

Nate shakes his head rapidly, saying a little bit too quickly, “No, no, I’d like you to stay!”

She smiles at him. “Really?”

He smiles back goofily. “Yeah, Rach, of course.”

There is literally too much drama in this room.

“Sooo,” Brendon raises his eyebrows, nodding towards the door. “Wanna go check out that shop guys?”

Kate realizes what he’s doing, and quickly jumps up, taking Alex with her. She leads the way out, leaving Michael and Katie alone together.

Nate and Rachel file out of the room last, closing the door behind them.

Michael runs a hand through his hair, messing it up even more, and glances at her. She obstinately looks away.

“Look, Katie,” he sighs, sounding stressed out. “I’m sorry.”

“Oh, well, in that case,” she replies snidely. “If you’re sorry, that makes everything better.”

He sighs again. “I know. I shouldn’t have left. I… don’t know why I did.”

She drums her fingers.

He gets frustrated. She can tell by the way his eyebrows furrow. “And who the fuck is Nate, anyways?”

“He’s…” Katie trails off. “I don’t know. Someone I used to forget you. It sounds horrible, I know, but I think that the relationship was one of convenience. Nate wants Ashton anyways.”

He raises an eyebrow. “That’s… interesting. And dysfunctional. But okay, I guess, why not?”

She rolls her eyes. “Yep.”

There’s an awkward silence.

Michael steps forward, drawing a chair, sitting down. “Katie… I’m sorry.”

She starts to speak but he shakes his head. “No, let me talk.

“I just… I don’t know why I left, and I’m so sorry that I did. I’m sorry I took Calum with me, and caused Luke to be sad, I’m sorry I left, and made you sad. I’m so sorry and I can’t take it back, but I hope you know that all I did while I was gone was wish I wasn’t. That I was home, with you guys.” He pauses, closing his eyes. “I replayed the way you felt next to me in bed as often as I picture finding your clothes tangled with mine when we do laundry breaks. I wanted nights as dark as diamond mines, to curl up in a blanket fort and read books while your fingertips slowly etch out novels on my hipbone. I want iced tea summers that get us all mixed up because it was just autumn back in wherever we last were, I want laughter caught in our eyes, I want to reach back and know your hand will always find mine even if I do it blindly, I want to lead you over towns and countries and through alleyways and over mountains and under the stars.”

Katie stares at him, her expression unreadable.

Michael focuses on the ceiling. “Because where _I_ belong is wherever _you_ are.”

Katie stares at him a bit longer. He looks nervous. “Say something.”

She cracks a smile and leans forward, grabbing his shirt and pressing her lips to his. “You asshole. I missed you.”

He grins and hugs her tightly. “I missed you too, babe. Now should we go find everyone else?”

**

“Soooo,” Ashton hums, glancing at Nate. They’ve been ditched by everyone else. “Whaddya want to do?”

Nate squints. “Um. I don’t know. What about you?”

Ashton shrugs. “Same. How are you and Katie?”

“Oh,” Nate mirrors Ashton’s shrug. “We’re probably breaking up.”

“Oh… you don’t seem that bothered?”

“I’m not, really. I kind of think it was a thing of convenience, and I didn’t realize that at first but I did eventually. It’s always gonna be Michael for her. Besides, I have my eye on someone else.”

“Oh?” Ashton asks, trying to not be bothered by this. Nate’s straight, anyways.

“Yeah,” the older man sighs. “But I don’t know if they feel the same.”

“Well,” Ashton looks up and meets Nate’s practically navy eyes. “Who couldn’t like you?”

“Ash, I’m kind of a dick, if you haven’t noticed,” Nate points out, grinning.

“I mean, yeah, but I know you don’t mean it. Most of the time. I think it’s probably more of a defense.”

Nate stills. “What… what do you mean?”

Ashton blushes and looks down, because he really didn’t mean to voice these thoughts out loud.

“Um, I don’t know,” he mutters. “I guess I just thought that like… I mean… the reason you act like, well, an asshole all the time is because you’re just… scared to let anyone in.”

Nate looks at him, and his lips curl up in a smile. “Ash…”

“I’m sorry,” the younger boy mumbles, twisting his shirt in his hands. “That was pretty weird. I just kind of notice you a lot and it’s really bad because you’re with Katie and like, I know you’re straight and…”

Ashton’s eyes are literally starting to fill with tears and Nate puts his hand on his arm, shaking his head. “Ash.”

“… and she’s my friend and oh god, I’m just so sorry, I…”

“ASHTON!”

“What?”

Nate grins at him, shaking his head. “You idiot. It’s you.”

“Wait, what?” Ashton looks at him. “What?”

“It’s you,” Nate rolls his eyes. “It’s you I was talking about earlier. And wow, I am so not straight. Just assuming that is just… I am disappointed in you, Ashton-“

Ashton cuts him off by kissing him.

**

(five months later)

“No, okay, we need to help him out,” Katie protests. The “him” is a lad by the name of Niall Horan, who is freaking out about how to tell if the boy he likes, Liam, likes him back or not.

The tour has long since ended. Rea life set in.

But real life wasn’t really that bad, considering. The apartment building is on a shady part of town, and the apartments smell a little funny sometimes (Kate substitutes with it by lighting incense literally everywhere) and they’re kind of small, but Ashton, Nate, Luke and Calum are right across the hall from them and Katie and Michael are down the hallway and Brendon, Ryan, Alex and Kate are all right here.

Along with Michael came Niall and his best friend Liam. They don’t live in the apartment building, but down the road some.

They’re in love. Everyone knows it except for Niall.

(“A bit like you too, eh?” Kate had joked, elbowing Brendon, who just smirked at her).

So now, Katie, Kate, Michael and Alex are all grouped up around the kitchen table at the Katie&Michael room, making a list.

“Okay, okay,” Alex nods, poised for writing. “Help me here , guys.”

“Just write down what you feel when you’re with Kate,” Michael snorts.

Alex turns red and ignores him. “No, Michael, we’re here to help him tell, not to make a list of gooey feelings. God knows if he wanted that all he’d have to do is visit Katie’s internet history.”

“Hey!” Katie protests. “I’m just really into Peterick, alright?”

Fall Out Boy have gotten increasingly popular, leading to these “fanfictions” about Pete and Patrick, which are admittedly spot on.

The fans even know about Kate, and she can remember the day the interview came through.

“ _So, Patrick,” the interviewer leaned forward. “I’ve heard rumors about a… past lover, who was a fan?”_

_Patrick blinked, tugged down his fedora a little. “Um, yeah. Her name was Kate.”_

_“And you met how…?”_

_“Well, she and her friends were following my band around and were there at like, every concert. So I talked to her and…. yeah.”_

_“What happened?”_

_“I messed up,” Patrick admitted, looking down. “I messed it up big time. I’m not regretting that it’s over, but how it ended. I was an asshole, and I’m sorry.”_

Kate had pretty much just stared openmouthed at the screen.

“Yeah well,” Alex shrugs. “Peterick is real and we know it.”

“Mmm,” Michael hums. “List, now?”

Katie laughs at him. “Right. Let’s go.”

**

By the time it’s finished and ready to give to Niall, it’s kind of long.

Kate and Alex have returned to their own apartment, leaving Brendon and Ryan snoozing on the couch with Mean Girls, and retired to their bedroom.

“Read it to me,” Alex sighs, leaning back against her.

She clears her throat.

“ _1). When he says your name, it will come with pauses on both sides, as if the letters were padded with phrases he can’t quite get the nerve to pronounce. His lips will form the word like he is already practicing kissing you._

_2) he will be in a middle of a sentence when you raise your eyes to his and everything he was going to say dies on the mountains of his teeth. his heart will stop beating. maybe later, when he reorients, he will laugh about it but know that moment, you made the rest of the world go quiet_

_3) he will find ways to touch you without reason, as if contact with your skin has become an addiction_

_4) in the dead of night he will stand by you, even as dark as your soul gets. he will stay up until the dawn if that’s what it takes._

_5) you will be walking down the aisle at cvs, trying to locate the Arizona iced tea even though they’ve been sold out of raspberry for the last four days and you will send him a text to complain about it, and you will both laugh. he will ask you to hang out and watch a dumb movie with him and you will show up at his door, a little shaky because it’s just the two of you alone and when he sees you he will smile, ask you if you like your popcorn buttered or salty and then hold out a can of raspberry iced tea.”_

“Man, we are poets,” Alex sighs.

“Damn straight,” Kate agrees, sinking down and resting her head on the pillow.

“Maybe,” he yawns. “Maybe we should sleep.”

“Yeah,” she nods, stretching and kicking off her shoes. “G’night, ‘Lex.”

“Goodnight, Kate.”

She smiles into his arm as moonlight pools on the blankets and the sound of Brendon’s snoring reaches her ears.

Really, they’ve found a place where they belong.


End file.
